Journal. 21 June 2016. Loneliness.

Last night was the Summer Solstice and the Strawberry Full Moon – which was beautiful here in Chicagoland. In ye olde days, I would have gone out into the darkness in search of a drumming circle in the forest or a bonfire on the beach… but boring, broken Rebekah went home and went to bed early. I don’t even call myself “Rivka” anymore. It’s been a sad, difficult month as I struggle with constant thoughts of suicide. I am not planning another suicide. (At least I don’t think so. Sometimes the so-called “right time” just pops up and then I obey (more…)

And the Secret to Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse is… Chiropractic Adjustment.

Let’s look back at how I was feeling: 13July2015. I haven’t been writing this week because I’ve been in a deep, dark funk. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to stop existing. This is not the same as having suicidal thoughts, although I would step over a cliff if I could do it without being seen; but not anything active (versus passive). I was thinking more along the lines of seeing a giant whirlpool open up in the carpet and suck me into non-existence just like some cheesy special effect in a Dr. Who episode. The carpet absorbs me. (more…)

Clutter & Decluttering.

Well, snowfall is predicted for tomorrow nite here in Chicagoland. I haven’t driven a car in snow in 10 years and I wasn’t good at it then, so I’m not happy. I especially loathe chipping ice off my windshield before I can drive to work in the mornings. My sweet brother said I could park in the garage, but I have to make a space for the car; so I hauled a waist-high cardboard box into the kitchen today and unpacked it. The newspaper inside was dated “Thursday, April 13, 2000”. That means it was a box from before I got (more…)

I had an Epiphany about the Narcissist.

I’ve been working on creating an audiobook about the Jewish daily prayers. I was doing a segment explaining what a brit is (a covenant) and I had an epiphany about the narcissist. Basically, I was explaining how I loved the narcissist unconditionally. I compared my love for David to the way God feels about us, which is to say that no matter what I do, God will never abandon me. He is right by my side, even when I behave like a rotten stinker. In a thunderclap moment, I realized that something was wrong with what I was saying. I stopped to (more…)

Frustrated with Recovery.

Aargh! I’m supposed to be writing about Recovery (from narcissistic abuse), but I don’t know what to say. It’s been 2 whole years since I slit my wrists… and died. I’m happy to say that I feel like My Old Self again, which is like moving all the game pieces back to the “Start Here” spot – but… and this is a big BUT… I’m still not even close to being recovered. Great, I got my old self back, but she’s the one who went for the narcissist like he was made of chocolate! I have been working hard to get (more…)

Writer’s Block.

I’ve been having trouble writing lately because I believe that Recovery is boring. Who wants to read about somebody who got dressed in the morning, made it to work on time, sold refrigerators, finished her shift, picked up fried chicken from a drive-thru restaurant, ate it in from of the television, and then went to bed? It’s boring, right? Now stories about the narcissist, those are exciting! Both exciting to read and exciting to write. I can’t believe the crazy shit they do! But, unfortunately, their cruelties are real. Stories about narcissists get the blood flowing. Then there’s Recovery. The thing is, (more…)

Red Flags that Your Lover is Abusive.

I am re-posting this image because it is a snapshot of my ex-marriage to my ex-abuser. Conversations went like this: ignore me yawn avoid eye contact interrupt mention some mistake I made 3 years ago deny talk thru me or shout over me be dismissive hijack the conversation Please share this:Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)Click to share on Pocket (Opens in new window)Click to share on Google+ (Opens in new window)Click to share (more…)