Recovery: Going to the Gyno.

I was very brave today and went to the gynecologist. Most women hate the gynecologist. Some stranger puts their forearm into your vagina and pinches very sensitive skin. It’s awful, but necessary. As for me, I have had abnormal pap smears all of my adult life and one time I even needed a biopsy. I can’t afford to pretend the gyno will just go away. Still, trying to figure out a new insurance plan and then choosing a stranger at random from a pre-approved list of PPO doctors… It’s such a foul system. I mean, anything can happen! One person gets excellent healthcare and the (more…)

I had an Epiphany about the Narcissist.

I’ve been working on creating an audiobook about the Jewish daily prayers. I was doing a segment explaining what a brit is (a covenant) and I had an epiphany about the narcissist. Basically, I was explaining how I loved the narcissist unconditionally. I compared my love for David to the way God feels about us, which is to say that no matter what I do, God will never abandon me. He is right by my side, even when I behave like a rotten stinker. In a thunderclap moment, I realized that something was wrong with what I was saying. I stopped to (more…)

Better Self-Care.

I did something important today towards BETTER SELF-CARE. I went to Quest Diagnostics and did a blood test. My doctor wanted a CBC, of course, but also thyroid, fasting lipids, vitamins B & D, and hepatic function. She has made no secret that she is disgusted with my weight obesity, currently 226 pounds. (I decided to give her one more shot to speak nicely to me or I am going to switch doctors. Of course, I have to say something to her first. Again, I got angry when someone overstepped my boundaries, but I didn’t say anything. But I will. When (more…)

Recovery is Being Generous to Yourself.

Yesterday, I wrote that “There is no hypocrisy in recovery.” link As survivors of narcissistic abuse, we have all made pledges that quote “I won’t be fooled again” and “I will never ignore red flags again”, “I learned my lesson”, etcetera. But maybe you will fall off the self-esteem wagon. Maybe you will get lonely and pick up with the first person who offers you a kind word. After all, isn’t that how you got into trouble the last time? I don’t think this is hypocrisy, saying one thing but doing another. I think it’s just a stage in the recovery (more…)

Recovery Takes a Detour.

Exactly 4 weeks ago, I quote <<upgraded>> from a part-time job in retail, where my primary responsibilities were a) hanging up clothes and b) cashiering to a full-time <<career opportunity>> as the Lead Sales Manager at a scratch-and-dent appliance store (i.e. refrigerators, built-in dishwashers, washers and dryers, freezers, ovens, etcetera) From my point of view, I was on my way… Recovery from my nervous breakdown (I think it’s fair to call it that.), recovery from an unsuccessful but highly aggressive suicide attempt, recovery from the setback of dating and loving a narcissist – all that recovery was on its’ way, moving forward (more…)

How Important Is A Loving Home To Recovery From Trauma?

Since I moved in with my brother 22 days ago, I have begun to return to the best version of myself. This is happening for one reason and that is because he loves me. (As an extra, he doesn’t criticize me either.) In this loving environment, I immediately started to blossom and flourish. The best version of myself is the Rivka who is always working on a creative project… or two or three. Formerly, when I was under the guidance of my husband, Driftwood (or the evil influence of a narcissist), I would start a project like tiling the kitchen backsplash; (more…)

Poem: A Cat Has 9 Lives.

  A Cat Has 9 Lives.   First I was my mother’s daughter Then I was my own woman Then I was my husband’s wife Then I was a divorcee Then I was a career woman Then I was a daughter of Israel Finding God; feeling, hearing, and knowing Love. . →{insert bad man} For a moment, i was lost . But today I stand tall on a path Facing a red/yellow sunRISE and rolling green hills Don’t look back, daughter, the best is yet ahead   ©18mitzvot, 24Apr2015.   (P.S. In my head, I have this storyboarded to be a (more…)