Day 3.

It’s been 3 days since David showed up on Facebook after a 4 year absence. I start panicking whenever I think about it and have to take a Xanax. Narcissists get bored easily and he will go dark soon. He won’t stay around too long but it could be two months. Meanwhile I have my Facebook addiction and I want to see what’s going on in the world. I’ve been sneaking in hitting it really quickly and then getting off line like a thief in the night. I mean damn. I feel kind of ashamed that I’m acting like a teenager (more…)

Day 1: He’s back.

Recently I’ve developed this terrible habit, where I go on Facebook as soon as I open my eyes I don’t even pray to God first. The other day I checked my messages and a thread that I had responded to, 2 messages after mine there’s David! 4 years of No Contact and there’s his face only 2 comments after mine. He must have seen me. So there’s just a tiny icon that’s not even 1 cm across, a picture of david, and he looks old and gray. Here’s the progression of what happened to me that morning. 9:00 am: I feel (more…)

OMG He’s on Facebook Again!

I’ve had No Contact, complete No Contact, for at least 3 years… except for the fact that my brain refuses to let go and move on. I went on one date about 2 years ago. I met a male friend of a friend for dinner in a nice restaurant and I had extreme panic. I tried to sabotage the date by being 90 minutes late. However, he waited for me. The date went well, but I refused a second date. And that one dinner is the entirety of my lovelife for the last 4 years since the narcissist. Wow. Did I (more…)

20Dec2017. I love Tuesdays.

I had a really good day yesterday – until I came home at 4pm. But before that, it was great. Every Tuesday I get acupuncture from Doctor Li. He’s from Shanghai, China and married to a blonde-haired, American beauty who was raised on a farm in Wisconsin. Doctor Tammy and her husband run a Chinese-American chiropractic clinic that is so unique. Plus, I adore them both. So every Tuesday is my Happy Day. When I was deeply depressed, a therapist had me do an exercise where I listed things I was looking forward to. At the time, I was sadly unable (more…)

Journal: 10Dec2017.

It’s been more than 4 years since I left Israel and stopped speaking Hebrew every day, but just yesterday I started to forget words. Just like that snap… I can’t make sentences anymore and I realized it’s my new diet. I am doing a liver detox so I switched from daily vegetarian cheese sandwiches to chicken. But the chicken is traife (not kosher). And now I can’t speak Hebrew. I hear that Trader Joe’s grocery store carries kosher chicken for sale. Of course I’m broke this week because I self-sabotaged and lost $300 at the casino after my mom told me (more…)

Abandonment issues.

Many times in the past I’ve complained about bloggers disappearing… We connected to each other and became friends and community because we all have abandonment issues. So when a blogger disappears, it triggers us deep inside. I vaguely remember writing a post about how if I went away, it didn’t mean I killed myself. In truth, I did go away because I was sad. Even writing a little post became too much because of my perfectionist attitudes. And then I get where there’s so much I want to say that it’s overwhelming and I feel like I have to assign 15 (more…)

Stalking my 1st ex-husband.

Today is 05Dec2017 and I was sitting in my parked car, with the headlights out, staring at my former house. Finally I tiptoed up to the front door to check the mailbox. I turned the flashlight on my iPhone to see if there was a name on the mailbox, but there wasn’t. Next I actually tried to read the name on the mail, but it was only junk circulars. I then decided not to knock on the former door. I retreated to parked my car. As I was sitting in the dark, a van pulled up. My heart leapt! Maybe it (more…)