Recently I’ve developed this terrible habit, where I go on Facebook as soon as I open my eyes I don’t even pray to God first. The other day I checked my messages and a thread that I had responded to, 2 messages after mine there’s David!
4 years of No Contact and there’s his face only 2 comments after mine. He must have seen me.
So there’s just a tiny icon that’s not even 1 cm across, a picture of david, and he looks old and gray.
Here’s the progression of what happened to me that morning.
9:00 am: I feel tempted to look at his profile. I want to see the bigger picture stare at it. I wanted to read everything that he had made public. But I didn’t. I can’t break no contact now after all these years. No contact is for my mental health. I had an imaginary conversation in my head with him and I told him “I’ll never be over you.”
9:15 am: I went to make my first blog post in ages. That’s the good news. You guys are my community for no contact so I felt compelled to start blogging again. I downloaded the WordPress app on my iPhone and right away it made me change my profile photo. The old one was two tigers me and david. The new one is just my cat one solo cat. That was difficult taking away the tigers
9:44 am: Within an hour of seeing his teeny tiny little icon that I would not of even recognize excepting his name was there, I started to panic. I took a Xanax. I deleted a friend request from a total stranger again. Within the last five weeks I’ve been getting three friend requests a week from total strangers and when I look at their profile it’s not a real person. You can tell because they’ll be a picture of a single guy with a kid on his lap and that’s it nothing else. Fake profiles don’t show any activity that a human being would have. So I keep turning them into Facebook and Facebook deleted those profiles because they really were fake.
Here’s where I started to get paranoid. What if David is trying to get to my Facebook profile? Why were some random strangers interested in my Facebook profile? I don’t understand this hacking stuff. So then I started being afraid of Facebook.
I think the point I’m trying to make here is my immediate reaction to seeing David on Facebook after 4 years was fear and then that fear spread to become other kinds of fears.
I realized how much I depend on Facebook. My Mensa group is on Facebook. My regional is on Facebook. We’re starting a role-playing group that runs off of Facebook. My Israel friends I can only contact through Facebook. I don’t have any emails. I didn’t realize I was a Facebook junkie. They have collected so much information on me.
10:00 am: I decided to delete Facebook from my phone otherwise I will keep looking for new notifications from david. We have the same friends. We follow the same Jewish groups. I know I’m going to see him everywhere until he gets tired and goes dark again. But I realized I can’t leave Facebook because I’ll lose all my good relationships too. So I turned off notifications. The phone no longer rings when I have a Facebook message
10:30 AM: There’s no place far enough for me to run. I feel fear.
Editors note: I’m posting on my iPhone so there’s no punctuation. I’m not sure I’ll be able to live with us because of my perfectionism, but we’ll see.
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