Last night was the Summer Solstice and the Strawberry Full Moon – which was beautiful here in Chicagoland. In ye olde days, I would have gone out into the darkness in search of a drumming circle in the forest or a bonfire on the beach…
but boring, broken Rebekah went home and went to bed early. I don’t even call myself “Rivka” anymore. It’s been a sad, difficult month as I struggle with constant thoughts of suicide. I am not planning another suicide. (At least I don’t think so. Sometimes the so-called “right time” just pops up and then I obey the impulse.) Anyhow, I’m not cleaning my room in anticipation of my death or anything like that – but I wish I could be.
Interesting thing happened at work, my new work at the retail shoe store: I got a new coworker, Gena, who just last week filed for divorce from her husband of over 20 years – WHO IS A NARCISSIST. When she told me that she had met with an attorney and was about to file papers, I told her “This, this, and then this will happen. Your husband’s goal will be to get you to quit. If you decide it’s too difficult to continue selling the house and too difficult to continue the divorce, then he wins.” … And he did everything that I predicted in the order that I predicted and in the exact ways that I predicted.
And yet, even being warned did not prepare Gena for the visceral hate of a narcissist on the retreat. She had to call out to work because he was threatening to kill her and himself. But, don’t worry, she has some family on her side. She has somewhere to go live with her kids and her dad will help them financially once the narcissist is out of the picture.
***The way this exchange affected me is that I moved from a deep, dark, depressed Emotional Place to a fairly light and fluffy, almost happy place. I had a day off and I actually brushed my teeth, put on non-pajama clothes, and treated myself to lunch at IKEA, my happy place. I realized that I was able to do this because of Gena. When we were at work, I nervously confided in her that I was so depressed that I could hardly function; and that all I could focus on was that in about 23 days, my company-provided health insurance would begin and I could seek medical treatment for depression. Gena listen sympathetically. She said she has a daughter with severe Bi-Polar Disorder and Gena will give up buying food if she needs that money to continue her daughter’s weekly counseling. The counseling gets paid before any other bill. It is that important to her daughter’s continued success.
And now the divorce is throwing the poor kid into weirdness spells. I feel badly for her, BUT I can’t get too close to that fire because I am already sick myself.
In conclusion, I learned from this experience that a huge portion of my sadness is due to LONELINESS. I miss human companionship and dear friends. I was able to feel better one day and to go out for lunch (by myself) because Gena listened compassionately to me talk about my feelings. It made me feel better to have someone listen.
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