I made a commitment that 2016 would be The Year of Medical Healthcare – or something like that. I vowed to see the doctor, to get some old OLD issues treated, and to start a relationship with a mental health professional. To that end, I have been spending a good 25% of my paychecks on doctor appointments. Today’s surprise guest was The Chiropractor. First I asked around at work for names of doctors that my coworkers have used and/or would recommend, and then I didn’t go to any of them. Instead I followed my gut and chose another stranger off the (more…)


I think it’s probably bad manners to write a post about being depressed or angry or unhappy; and then just disappear for a month. When last I wrote, my brother had gone to Florida to visit my parents and I (having not been invited) was left alone in Illinois with the cats. I thought some quiet time would be nice, but instead I freaked out. Strangely, I was having PTSD-like flashbacks to prior times when I was alone and feeling abandoned: the night the narcissist went to the ER, the night I decided to kill myself. Wow! It was so emotionally intense (more…)

Just Me and the Cats.

My brother has gone to Fort Lauderdale for the week and I am alone in the house with the cats. He has been gone less than one day and I am so lonely. I feel sad and a little freaked out to be alone in the quiet house. I realized I don’t have anyone in my life except my brother and I didn’t register how lonely I am – until he left for the airport. I thought I was doing okay, but I guess not – ’cause all my confidence flew out the window as soon as he started packing his suitcase. I just (more…)

Recovery: Going to the Gyno.

I was very brave today and went to the gynecologist. Most women hate the gynecologist. Some stranger puts their forearm into your vagina and pinches very sensitive skin. It’s awful, but necessary. As for me, I have had abnormal pap smears all of my adult life and one time I even needed a biopsy. I can’t afford to pretend the gyno will just go away. Still, trying to figure out a new insurance plan and then choosing a stranger at random from a pre-approved list of PPO doctors… It’s such a foul system. I mean, anything can happen! One person gets excellent healthcare and the (more…)

Recovery: Clinging to Tension.

I watched another sappy movie this morning, a new one this time, the black African-American version of “Annie”. It was really good. It had me with tears streaming down my face – and that’s what I needed. I tend to hold tension in my body. I literally cleave it to my cells. Physically, it is most obvious when I get my menstrual cycle. I can feel the changes in my body and know that it is time to release, but I wait for it… and it doesn’t happen. I often make myself as late as 10 days. Then I need to (more…)