I’ve been working on creating an audiobook about the Jewish daily prayers. I was doing a segment explaining what a brit is (a covenant) and I had an epiphany about the narcissist. Basically, I was explaining how I loved the narcissist unconditionally. I compared my love for David to the way God feels about us, which is to say that no matter what I do, God will never abandon me. He is right by my side, even when I behave like a rotten stinker. In a thunderclap moment, I realized that something was wrong with what I was saying. I stopped to think it over and I had an epiphany.
I had told the narcissist: “You are my family now. I will never abandon you or throw you away, no matter how badly you behave. We are family. Forever.”
“Why?” I asked myself, “Why did I give the narcissist carte blanche to abuse me?” I practically told him it was okay to treat me badly by promising him that I would never abandon him, no matter what he did to me. I bound myself to him when I told him that “We are family now.” Of course he tested me. I knew he had been hurt and abused in the past when people he “loved” had caused him to feel abandoned. I knew this because he told me so. The narcissist felt left behind and alone. Ironic, huh?
***But I didn’t know I was making that promise of loyalty and unconditional love to a narcissist, someone who not only didn’t love me, but couldn’t love me; but also, a person who takes sadistic pleasure in seeing good people get “taken down a peg” or humiliated for being soft or emotionally hurt or even traumatized. Narcissists don’t just hurt the people closest to them, they enjoy doing the damage. Reference DSM-V.
Let’s put that aside for a moment and pretend that I was pledging my affections to a normal person.
“You are my family now. I’ll never abandon you, no matter what you do. My love for you is eternal and unconditional.”
Question: Is it okay for me to make that pledge to a boyfriend?
Answer: I’m thinking NO. It isn’t.
***And that isn’t the first time that I did this. I am a loyal and passionate helpmate. I commit.
But why do I need to do that? I mean, how healthy or safe can it be to open myself up to a man by promising to be loyal to him no matter what? Is that a thing that normal people do?
I don’t think so.
I’m guessing that normal people enter into a relationship with BOUNDARIES and rules about what types of behavior are unacceptable.
But I don’t have boundaries , you see.
Whether it’s my serenity, my money or my sex, I put it all in the kitty when I fall in love. And once I fall, I am in love forever.
Even now, I have warm, fuzzy feelings of love for David. I have to remind myself daily that the man I knew was false. The narcissist pretended to be the person that I would be most attracted to; but he grew tired of living up to my expectations and values (values that he didn’t share), and he left me. Like a light switch, he turned off our emotional bond.
I remember the look on his face when I told him we were family. He was both frightened and hopeful. I could see that he was holding his breath in a sort of glee. “Did I misunderstand her?” I thought he needed reassurance, so I calmly told him again. “I will never abandon you, David. You’re my family now.”
“I’m in!” he was thinking. “Now I am in control of her. Now I can really start the emotional torture. I can break her.”
(You don’t believe me that that’s what a narcissist is thinking every time you pledge your undying love to him? Well, it is. Learn it.)
Also, he was frightened. “Maybe she’ll expect something of me when I am really just a ne’er-do-well? Maybe she’ll find out that I am nothing inside.”
***It’s a shock for me to realize that I was wrong. I was wrong to love that man with total disregard for myself or my continued existence. I just handed myself over to him on a platter. I handed myself to a narcissist. I gave myself to a bad human being because I was looking for a family to love me.
Wow, I must be extremely wounded inside, more than I realize or understand.
“I had an Epiphany about the Narcissist.” is copyright © 2016 by Poorkitteh. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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