Yesterday, I wrote that “There is no hypocrisy in recovery.” link
As survivors of narcissistic abuse, we have all made pledges that quote “I won’t be fooled again” and “I will never ignore red flags again”, “I learned my lesson”, etcetera.
But maybe you will fall off the self-esteem wagon.
Maybe you will get lonely and pick up with the first person who offers you a kind word.
After all, isn’t that how you got into trouble the last time?
I don’t think this is hypocrisy, saying one thing but doing another.
I think it’s just a stage in the recovery process… which is one of the reasons that I am still not dating anyone, almost two years post-narcissist. I want to meet someone; I really do… but it want it to be healthy. I fall like a ton of bricks and I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Therefore, it’s good that I spend a little time alone and ponder what I did wrong the last time before I rush into a new love affair.
But here is the point I want to make: I cannot get better overnight. I did not have healthy role models to teach me healthy relationships. I did not have boundaries. I gave and I gave until I cracked. Also, I threw tantrums because I did not understand why I wasn’t getting back as much love as I was giving out. It wasn’t fair.
Maybe my next relationship won’t be perfect, either, but I think it will be better. I can only do the best I can with what I know at that moment. And when you know better, you do better.