The 2nd anniversary of the day I left Israel to be with the narcissist.

Yesterday I realized that August 28th, 2015 was the 2nd anniversary of the day I left Israel to be with the narcissist. It has been two years since I left Israel. Wow, I can’t believe it. It’s been a terrible time for me, really crappy, but it feels like a rough month – not two years!

I remember everything so vividly. I was living in my rental apartment in Safed. I was on the top floor and my bedroom window looked out upon the moon. Every night, I used to lie in bed, window completely ajar, no screens, feel the breeze off the mountain, smell the freshness, and stare at the moon holding over the rooftops of my neighbors’ homes. It was such a simple pleasure.

Americans don’t have time for staring at the moon. Plus, the streetlights outshine her. Then there’s the noise of the cars whizzing by. We don’t have cars in Safed. It’s a smaller village on the top of the mountain. There’s plenty of buses, but they don’t run much at night. It was just the breeze, the moonlight, and me. Obviously I miss it very much.

I loved my apartment. The master bedroom had one wall of built-in cabinets. It reminded me of an Advent calendar that has 24 little doors, each one hiding a special treasure – which was usually one of my cats. I don’t know how they got up there into those high cabinets that I couldn’t reach even when I stood on a chair. I never caught them doing it, but they were always in there! , napping on my clothes and leaving cat hair on everything I wore. I liked that, but other people told me it meant I was sloppy. Okay, so I’m sloppy, then.

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I thought the narcissist was in trouble. I really believed with all my heart that he needed my help. He had changed all of a sudden, become cruel with me. “I don’t know that cruel person.” I said to myself. I actually believed that he was possessed by a demon. Then he told me that the doctors had stated he had 2 years to live at the most before his heart would fail. I remember thinking, “Of course it’s his heart and not his kidneys or his stomach. His heart is frail and too weak for this world.”

OMG, did I idolize that man!

I thought he was so special, so unique. He was the embodiment of Spirit/Love/Holiness and SLH cannot endure in our difficult physical world.

So I left Israel and flew to Canada to save him.

Two years ago.

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Occasionally I write about being psychic, but I deliver messages. I can’t see the future. Usually. Okay, sometimes I can. But not my future. I only receive messages to help other people and those people need some help. It’s not random. It’s a gift.

So, no, I had no clue that the narc was going to turn on me, was going to turn against me and try to hurt me. I believed he was a gentle, wounded soul who needed a hug from me.

Books about psychopaths & narcissists say that these sickos come into our lives to show us our deficiencies and that after they crack us open and expose our guts to the vultures, we will be able to do the work to become superhuman empaths who have boundaries.

I do have better boundaries, and more Tiferet (which is the ability to enforce a boundary but to do it lovingly with kindness), but I guestimate that I need 3 more years before I will be whole again. It’s just a guess.

And by the way, I do not feel grateful to the narcissist for what he did to me, even if I do become a superhuman empath who has strong boundaries.

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3 thoughts on “The 2nd anniversary of the day I left Israel to be with the narcissist.

  1. marathoningtomillions says:

    So sorry you had to go through this. I look forward to reading your posts and following your progress.

    I also loved your description of Israel. I’ve never thought about it that way, but you’re exactly right. The only time I am truly have a moment of solitude to be able to see the night sky is in Israel. Have you been back since?

  2. TheNarcissistsWife says:

    I can’t imagine leaving my home, and traveling half-way around the world, for someone I loved, who was PRETENDING to be dying.

    *speechless*

    Seriously? If I did that, and THEN had to put up with the man’s (as always, the term, being used loosely), abusive BS….you better believe that a$$-hole would be dead within the specified 2-year time period. One way or another, the creep would simply have to keep his word…for once. LOL (Nah…I’m just joking)

    For real though- I can totally understand you not feeling exactly grateful for your narcissist having been the bearer of your greatest life lesson. I can’t confess to feeling any different than you do…that is, for a long time, I felt like that, too. But then I realized something. I had something like an epiphany, not too long ago, I guess you could say…

    See, since I was a little girl, I knew I didn’t belong here (on Earth). I never truly felt as though this planet was my home. Even at the tender & innocent age of about 5, or so, I remember having bouts of depression, and crying to my Daddy, because “I just want to go home!”. Of course, my parents were baffled at that. After all, I was sitting on MY bed, in MY room, in MY house. How much more “home” could I possibly get, right?

    I couldn’t ever explain it, though I learned to hide it rather well. Except for that one time my mother caught me with some books on Wicca, and other Nature-based religions. By 8 years-old, or so, I was already devouring everything spiritual I could get my hands on. I had already abandoned the church too, after the priest once told me that a innocent child in Antarctica would go to Hell, if no one ever told him about Jesus, and he didn’t pray some silly prayer, for Jesus to come into his heart. As young as I was, I knew it was bullshit. That priest had a bigger chance to go to Hell, than some innocent child, who never learned to memorize some random prayer.

    (I bet you’re wondering what the heck my point is with all this, by now…and no worries. I’m getting to that now ;-)

    What I’m getting at is…I came to Earth for a reason. And I believe, that you did too. I’m here on a very important mission, and again, I believe that you are, too (Especially if you have have spiritual gifts, such as psychic abilities). See, the human race is living in dark times, at present. Very dark times. And that darkness threatens to destroy the Earth, and all of humanity with it, if we can’t find a way to shine light into that darkness, and tip the scales in the opposite direction. I believe that my mission here, on Earth, is to help start a spiritual revolution. To help human-kind raise their vibration, and continue on to the next phase of our evolution.

    This sacred mission is the reason I have been given spiritual gifts…like you! I am a rather skilled healer, an intuitive empath, a decent remote viewer, and an animal communicator (though not a very good one- I’m just learning, so I need TONS more practice). I am honored to have been given this sacred mission, and the sense of purpose & peace it brings, knowing what I’m meant to do in this life, is beyond words. I am humbled. Truly.

    The thing is…I didn’t always know that I had this mission. I spent most of my life feeling isolated, separate from others. I never felt like I quite fit in…though I had plenty of friends in school, and afterward. I could be surrounded by people, and still feel so incredibly lonely…because I never found another soul with whom I could wholly connect with. We forget our mission, and we forget who we truly are, when we are born into our human body.

    I became chemically dependant on oxycodone, for several years, when after the traumatic home-birth of my NINE POUND son (I weigh a mere 99 lbs!), I was given oxycodone for the excruciating level of pain I was in. My son got stuck- for an hour and a half- on my cervix, and had to be removed from my body MANUALLY through the mid-wife simply tearing me open…. and so, I ended up with a dislocated pelvis, and a vaginal & rectal prolapse, and a very, VERY sore, angry Cha-Cha. (Dear God- that experience was SOO UN-necessary!)

    But that’s beside the point. Anyway… I realized that the oxycodone didn’t just numb my physical pain, but it also numbed my “Extra, energetic senses”, and for the first time in my life, I could go to the mall without coming home and feeling like I needed a three hour nap, just to recover from the onslaught of “crowd-energy”. Before that, I was really struggling with this whole ‘Life’ thing. I just didn’t understand the World. I didn’t get it.

    This is where my narcissist comes in…

    It wasn’t until I married my husband, and had survived too-many years of narcissistic abuse, that I FINALLY had my big epiphany. One nondescript day, after a particularly horrific fight, where my husband was gaslighting the Hell out of me….and using every tactic he could think of, to drive me crazy…. he…well, he succeeded. I had reached my limit, and I couldn’t take the cruelty and the fighting, any more…I had a nervous break-down. In fact, I’m not so sure that I didn’t have a mini-stroke. After my break-down, I had a stutter, for about 3-4 days. It was brutal.

    BUT…

    In hindsight…I can honestly say- I’m grateful that my husband was such an amazing a$$-hole that day. My breakdown left me broken apart, and completely without the will to fight, or to even move at all. I was, basically, a zombie.

    The most important thing, though, was this: In that moment, right before I broke down, I had accumulated too much pain, and I couldn’t rid myself of it fast enough. It overwhelmed me, and broke me open. In that moment, a miraculous thing happened… I released my will. I stopped TRYING to fight the pain, and instead, just gave it all over to God. I released free-will to my Divine Creator. And in that very instant, I was filled with peace. Silence. Unconditional LOVE. It was incredible. I spent several hours like that. Just feeling overwhelming gratitude for the peace that I was experiencing. Eventually, I just slipped into a meditative state.

    At some point, during this meditation, I was made aware of my mission… suddenly, the knowing was just “there”. I can’t explain it, but in one split-second, I just knew exactly what my purpose here was….and it’s a mission that is shared by others, like me…and like you!
    This knowing, is the single, most valuable, moment/experience/event/whatever, in my whole life- I even know that there will not be anything else, in my future, that will compare to this discovery. THIS knowledge is WHY I am here. It is WHY I EXIST.

    The fact of the matter is, without my narcissist, doing EXACTLY what he did to me… I never would have been broken enough, to relinquish MY will, for God’s will. This mission is the reason I was adopted into a narcissistic family (my mother, really. She was “the martyred saint” type), and why I’ve suffered countless abuses throughout my life- starting when I was only 7-years old.

    I believe we contract to experience these things, before we incarnate, so as to “speed up” the process of learning, and remembering our purpose on Earth. Unfortunately. the quickest way to remember, is through enduring so much pain, that we can not stand beneath the weight of it, and it breaks us open. And because no one else had managed to break me open, before my husband… I am, and will always be, exceedingly grateful to him, for contracting to sacrifice his humanity, in order to break me open, and make me remember.

    Because only THEN can the truth be known… only when there is no more resistance… when there is no more need to control ourselves, our environment, or our narcissist… when the only will, is “Thy will be done”.

    …and now that I’ve written an entire novel, in response to one sentence. I’m going to shut up. I actually just considered deleting this whole thing, out of embarrassment for how long I’ve rambled on (It’s 4 AM, and I’m slap-happy), but I just can’t bring myself to do it…not after all all the time it took to type… ha ha ha ha ha ha (I’m ridiculous… LMAO)