I’m cleaning off my desk today (well, maybe a corner of it) and I’ve decided to post some of the half-finished posts I have lying around. Being a Perfectionist, no… a Grand Perfectionist, I tend to hold onto projects until I can get them to be just right (AKA brilliant). Usually, it’s a dysfunctional system that works – but when my self-esteem is low, the whole machine breaks down, I freeze, and no writing gets done. Given that writing is my only Therapy, this stalling is dangerous for me. I can spiral into depression or daydreaming. Currently, I have been watching about 6 hours of television every night. It calms me and makes me forget about the world as if it were morphine, I guess. This coping mechanism is: self-destructive,not-self-destructive,neutral unhealthy. Let’s go with: unhealthy. Clearly, watching 6 hours of television is wasteful and not the way successful people live. I want more for myself.
Random topic change: I start a new job tomorrow at 8:30 am and I am expecting to fail. I could do this job. I could do it and also excel; but I am feeling pretty damn low this week. I dragged my brother grocery shopping and he bought me 5 days worth of lunch food and 10 litres of bottled water, so I can go to work without being hungry. I am washing laundry right now so that I will have clean clothes for work. I have to succeed at this, so I am just going to crawl through it. Fake it till you make it is good advice that has served me well in the past.