Unknown date, Nov 1987:
My Beautiful Rebekah,
I love you more than anything I’ve ever known, I’ve said this bunch of times before because it’s true. Because I love you so much I’ll truly respect your decision and never bother you in any way. If we pass please don’t be rude or bitter, just smile and say hello or hi or something. I won’t try and talk or leave anymore notes I know how badly I fucked things up. I’ve been paying for some of those things for a long long time. This is pretty hard for me, I’ve finally driven away the last friend I had in the world. That’s why I can’t talk tomorrow or even any other time It would be my snapping point I couldn’t handle hearing you tell me what I’m losing, I know! You were all I had, You kept me going for a long time probably alot longer than I ever deserved! I’m Sorry, Really!
I wouldn’t or couldn’t ever see or date Cindy ever again. Only that time when I couldn’t hold on to you and squeeze and draw strength and courage. I only tried to make you show me affection and hold me and love me. I guess that really backfired. I couldn’t possibly make you love me. I just couldn’t take you saying it but not showing it. I hope your ok. Please don’t feel to badly about me. I need a friend even just one, do you know any?
Please don’t call me. I can handle anymore hurt right now maybe never again.
You did give me the best six months I’ve ever known. Even if they were rough.
I’ve been revisiting the love letters from an old flame, someone who I adored with all my soul, with all my heart, and with all my resources. Yet, we still broke up. Why? Because he went to prison. That happens to drug addicts… sigh… but that is another story. I’ve been re-reading these love letters that were so precious to me that I hid them from my husbands for 28 years – only today, in 2015, I am a summa cum laude graduate of The School of Narcissistic Abuse, Class of 2013. The narcissist fucked me over, but good, and I had to learn the hard way about brainwashing, deprogramming, and recovery from manipulative abuse. To my great surprise – and sadness- I started re-reading my boyfriend’s old letters and I discovered that they were filled with shit!
He was manipulating me!
And he kept telling me how special I was and how much he loved me while he was using me. That’s Lovebombing!
And he kept telling me how wrong I was to be suspicious of his frequent absences. That’s Gaslighting.
And he promised to love me forever even while he was having sexual intercourse with another woman. That’s Triangulation.
The old flame was manipulating me.
It’s curious, though, because he also clearly had deep feelings of attachment to me and his flowery compliments are tailored, which is to say that they are not generic compliments that he could make to just any interchangeable woman. He is clearly thinking about me and appreciating my unique qualities – and then using them against me to do his bidding! Ah, love…
Let’s examine today’s love letter.
Sometimes I can’t believe this guy loved me. But he really did. We carried on our trainwreck for a couple more years after this letter. Finally he went to prison and I went to nurse my wounds at my Gramma’s house. There was one more attempt at unity when he got released from jail, but then I never saw him again. Rest in Peace, Hayden. I’m sorry I can’t read these letters with the blind faith that I used to have; but I believe you meant well. I will never know what was from the drugs and what was from you. Did you know what you were doing to me?
“Today’s Manipulative Love Letter from Ex-Boyfriend.” is copyright © 2015 by Poorkitteh. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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