02 Nov 1987.
Please try and understand why I can’t give up. My hope is all I have to keep me going. Your my life, I’ve never loved anything so much ever. Losing you, is and eventually will kill me. How I could have treated you so bad while loving you so much? I don’t know! But thinking back about it is making me sicker and sicker. I have so many problems, but when I hold you everything seems ok for a while. Holding you and thinking about you gives me the strength to make it through another day. Rick Crowe gave me a long harsh sort of lecture last night that really “hit home”. The main thing he said that stuck in my head was, “Your not a bad guy you just Fuck up a lot, Quit fuckin’ up and you’ll be ok!” He’s right! I screw up alot, a hell of alot. That’s over now I’m not going to “Fuck Up” anymore. You don’t have to believe that and you probably don’t! I don’t think I would if I were in your shoes. You don’t have to believe it you’ll see it if you’ll let me show it.
You told me just a very few days ago that you loved me. As a matter of fact you said it right after you told me you didn’t ever want to see me again Friday night. If you have any feelings left for me at all please let me show you: Please, I love you and need you so very desperately. Even if you hate me try and understand me! I’ll never make an ass out of myself again, I’ll never call your number late again never after 10. I’ll never holler or whistle or draw attention like that ever. You’ll see a complete turn around I swear! No more asking you to skip class I’ll be truly happy just to see you when I can and to know you love me. Your friends in the dorm won’t have any problem seeing it either. No pressure I swear you’ll see the true me not the drunk and asshole me. You don’t have to believe me or trust me. Please Rebekah please let me show it to you. Let me prove it to you. I swear to God you won’t be sorry for a second. I won’t Fuck up, I won’t. I don’t deserve it I know but I need this chance so very badly. Because I love you so very much. I’m dying thinking of your beautiful long red hair and the warmth and comfort of your hugs. Its not so much to ask just give me this one last little chance. I need you so bad I don’t want to die please love me please love me.
I Love You
My life is all I have left to offer
He really meant it, you know.
I can see in his handwriting that he was more sober than ever before. He wanted to stop drinking and he meant it.
I won’t Fuck up, I won’t. I don’t deserve it I know but I need this chance so very badly. Because I love you so very much. I’m dying thinking of your beautiful long red hair and the warmth and comfort of your hugs. Its not so much to ask just give me this one last little chance. I need you so bad I don’t want to die please love me please love me.
Reading his promises from 28 years ago, I still have faith in him; I still believe in him.
But you know, he died from drug and alcohol abuse.
He did not stop using. He did not change. He did not get cured.
My advice to you is: Please do not go back to your narcissist… or your alcoholic… or your drug addict… or the guy who hit you before. They do not change and their illnesses often kill them – or you. Their illnesses can kill you.
“This is why we go back to our abusers: they promise to change & gush romance and love.” is copyright © 2015 by Poorkitteh. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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