#1. Book B: working title “Love Letters from an Alcoholic Addict”. ©2015 by Poorkitteh.
My alcoholic/addict boyfriend-soulmate-Truelove from 1987-1989, he died – from a lifetime of drug abuse. I had saved every one of his love letters to me. If he left me a note about fixing the air conditioner, I saved it. If he left me a suicide note, more like a hundred suicide notes, I saved them. If he invited me on dates, if he thanked me for a date, I saved them. I saved them all for 28 years. This is no small commitment given that I moved from: Tennessee, Indiana, Illinois, Florida, Israel, Canada, Texas, and more places. Of course I didn’t have the lovenotes with me, but I still had to keep track of them and to keep them safe. I knew that I couldn’t give them up.
I made a goal to type two love letters a day into the computer. That way, I will be finished with the sack within 6 weeks. Then I am going to publish them as an eBook study guide for students and/or families in addiction counselling.
It is a noble goal, but it is causing me great anxiety. Still, I will persevere and succeed.
Thank you for sitting through what I had to say! Or really needed to say. I’m really really sorry that I’ve made you scared of me. I’m really not quite as dangerous as you think I am. Yes, I lose my temper occasionally and when Cindy slapped me I slapped back and when you very suddenly turned vicious that night I slapped you but I couldn’t or wouldn’t really hurt anybody. I slapped not brutely attacked as you put it once or twice before! I had really hoped that you might listen to my side of it and then form an opinion or make a judgement! But I guess I was wrong as usual. You made up your mind up right along with everyone else! I really counted on you as a friend when I needed someone more than I’ve ever needed anyone before! I’m sorry, I just didn’t consider that you wouldn’t understand! But its OK. I surely can’t blame you. I really didn’t deserve the time you did give me. Thank You, more than you know! And, Thank You for what we had! You’ll always bring back a lot of my best memories
With all my Love
Anxiety Cause #2: Work calls me every night to beg me to come in. This should be a good thing because I need the money, but I also need time to sit on my ass and unwind. I have a hard time saying no to them because I don’t believe that “needing to sit on my ass” is a legitimate excuse. Why don’t they just make me full-time and give me health insurance, 401k, and a full benefits package? How important am I to the business? (Answer: I am not important at all.) Grrr.
Anxiety Cause #3: A number of monthly bills that my step-father was paying for me (to get me to leave Florida) are coming into my responsibility next month. I don’t have the money to pay car insurance. I’m stressing about it.
Anxiety Cause #4: It’s Spring and that means I need to get my final load of stuff from Driftwood’s house. I told him I would do it in April after the snows melted. He still has my Grandmother’s dresser, my $300 bicycle, ten boxes of photographic negatives of me and my family… I did phone him a few times, but he ignored my calls – so I let it slip. But I’m stressing about it.
Anxiety Cause #5: I am still not using my Xanax, although I did take 0.25mg two days ago. That was my first dose in over a month. I need to see a doctor.
Anxiety Cause #6, AKA The Big One: I have been sending $125 to Israel each month for almost 2 years to pay rent money for my cats! I can’t afford to go and get them and I don’t know anyone who can bring them to me. (Yet.) It’s a seemingly endless situation. Well, the girl who is cat-sitting says “she might be getting married” and 5 cats is too much. Congrats on the engagement, but it’s not my fault you took in 2 other cats after mine! Wtf.
-Work just called back and said I could have the night off after all. I’m going to move my boxes out of storage and pile them in the diningroom because the storage center is raising rents by 6%. It’s a pain in the ass, but I will have more money next month.
On the plus side,
I stood in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles yesterday for over an hour. It was hot and, I swear, there were over a thousand people in there with me. I needed to change my driver’s license from Florida to Illinois. I passed the vision test and I passed the written test, so I got my license! I didn’t expect to actually get it. I was just hoping to find out what I needed to do for my next attempt. Plus, my photo looks good. Yeah me! Cool. The input guy was funny. He asked me my weight and I answered “A lot more than last time.” I told him 220 pounds, and he put 195! hehehe. Isn’t that silly? I hope I can make that weight loss happen soon.
Everything will be okay, Rivka. Everything will be okay.
“Reasons My Anxiety Has Been Through the Roof Lately.” is copyright © 2015 by Poorkitteh. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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