These days, I don’t use an alarm clock. I wake naturally between 8 and 830am and I feel rested. Yes, it is luxurious. I had 2 days off work. I woke, made coffee, and I davened (prayed) Israeli-style: out-loud and singing my prayers to a tune that my soul spontaneously invented. Also luxurious. Next I wrote a post that made me feel awesome, like I was a giant in the publishing industry and my superheroine cape was flying in the wind behind me.
Then my best friend and I had an argument by email about something really important, email because we now live 1400 miles apart. The thing is, our argument was so loving that I can’t even conceive of imagining that I could be capable of arguing like that, having an argument where the love comes out louder than my indignation. It was like a miracle… housed inside of an argument. So weird.
Maybe I am learning Tiferet? Maybe I am learning to set boundaries (Gevurah), but to do it nicely (Chesed)?
Without the Kabbalistic labels and in my own words, Tiferet means to do what needs to be done but to do it with kindness, in a loving way; it also means to be loving but to have boundaries that are strict. Developing this trait is one of my personal goals for my recovery program.
The argument? She wants me to stop blogging. Don’t worry. I’m not going to, but her reasons are so valid and important that I should address them in a separate post. Please do not reprimand my friend for asking me to stop blogging. She is worried about me and my state of mind. She wants me to enforce boundaries. It’s the same issue, isn’t it? And we all know that I lack boundaries because I was sexually abused. Again, I am saving that for my next post, but we agreed to disagree without harming our love-based friendship. I am stunned that such a thing could happen to me, a person who has rage issues. I frequently cannot control myself in the heat of the fight and I regret it once I cool down. But not this time.
Next, work called and asked me to come in. I agreed to give them 4 hours and that made me Golden Employee #1 to my manager. During my shift, I convinced two poor suckers to sign up for our store credit card, which got me open praise from the manager and two more gold stars on my forehead.
After work, I sat watching mindless American television with my brother and I told him how everything I touched that day was gold.
The next morning, the casino sent me an email that I had $30 free play. Free play money cannot be cashed out anymore; it can only be played in the slot machines. We players used to stop by the casino, take the free play money, and leave – but they got smart and blocked us. Confident in my golden glow and feeling naughty, I decided to go to the casino and take my chances.
I love video poker. Let me say that again. I love video poker. If you have any questions about gambling (or gaming), I can probably answer them. I added the $30 free play to a video poker machine and won… nothing. It didn’t even give me a nickel to play with. Of course I added some money of my own… I know, I know… and I won a THOUSAND DOLLARS on a $1.25 bet. Woohoo!
That was fucking awesome!
Having an extra $1000 in my monthly budget meant that I could:
***** I believe that the reason I won this $1000 is because my best friend and I argued lovingly. I do. I believe that Hashem rewarded me for cherishing her like I did. Love between friends is a big theme in Torah, a lesson that is repeated often and in different voices to emphasize its importance to our Creator. I also think that maybe He is showing me how much easier my daily needs would be met if I would just get out there and start working again. Okay, I hear you. I am ready to start mailing out resumes.
Sadly, all golden days must come to a close. The sun sets, the day ends, and life returns to its normal rhythm. But I still get to keep the thousand dollars! LOL. Be well.
“Some Days Are Golden.” is copyright © 2015 by Poorkitteh. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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