If you are a follower of this blog, you probably read the obituary I wrote for my old college boyfriend, Hayden. He was a messed up man… and he made me messed up, too. It took me years to get over that relationship ending. I couldn’t accept it that two people who loved each other so much could still fail. I wanted to believe that “Love conquers all.” I wanted to believe it like a Religion.
Hayden and I met in May of 1987 when I was a student at the University of Memphis in Memphis, Tennessee. I had a little yellow moped that was always parked in front of my dormitory, and Hayden used to leave me lovenotes tucked into the seat of my bike.
I saved every one.
Hayden is dead now. May he rest in peace. So I am typing his lovenotes into the computer and preparing to publish them. They are a perfect picture of addiction, alcoholism, and codependency. This stuff is true and real, and it seems to me that no detached study of addiction-soaked relationships can provide as much clarity as Hayden’s letters can.
… If only I could have seen it clearly back then…
What Is Going On These Letters (by me):
13 May 1987. Wine cork from a date.
09 Oct 1987. (page three)
I wanted really really bad to go on this hayride with you and hold you close and love you and squeeze you close against me. But I’m scared for you. We need, as bad as its going to make me hurt, to keep an air of carefull caution around each other, if you see that I’ve been drinking get away from me as politely and quickly as possible! I love you I don’t want to hurt you. Please understand I’m really not worth a shit, like I am right now. If you know someone I can talk to let me know, but please don’t tell them or anyone else about this please! Meaning Julie or anyone is very personal, you already know that though! Can you understand all this? I think so. Please either send me a letter or leave one. Please understand all this!
Unknown date. (letter from a stranger at my dorm)
Rebecca – Rebeka – ?
Anyway, if you ever need someone to talk to, call me. I don’t know what you’re going through, it may be nothing. But I know if its anything like what I went through, than I know you need someone to talk to. I also know that your family lives somewhere else, which makes it hard. So, if everything is ok., then cool, peace, etc. Just call me when & if you need to. Ok?
-Or if you just want to talk.
13 Dec 1987.
Please read this all the way through before reacting in any way. Please?
I have thought and thought about what you said last night in reference to the conditions you outlined. Well I think that they are totally reasonable and I should have done them long ago. However there is one problem with what you said. I’m sure you remember a short while back when I kept threatening to leave you? Well that’s sort of what you’re doing now. With a little better reason than I had but still basically the same. Your doing that causes an incredible amount of anxiety and sorrow. You must stop that just as I had to stop doing it to you! You’ve got to decide to either go or stay. If you decide to stay and trust me like a boy friend then do it. and support me 100%. If you choose to do this then you’ll see the results almost imediatley. But you must decide please for my sake. When I Know I have your support and commital my depression and sorrow will disappear. You don’t even have to believe me just try it. If I’m lying to you. You just walk away at anytime! But you won’t have to. Just try it. I think you love me enough to give me this one final chance and one tiny little conssesion.
On the other hand if you truly don’t care then you must leave me. Even though it will more than likely be more than I can deal with you must.
I’ve totally screwed up everything I had going for me and on top of that I’ve treated you badly. I Know I’ve said this a lot of times perhaps because it’s so very true. I need you, I really do. You’re the only person who can get through to me and calm me. I respond to loving and caressing the things your so good at when you want to be. I need you to hold and squeeze me and cuddle up with me. I want to spend my life with you. Maybe with a couple of little red headed “Rug Rats.” Please don’t hurt me anymore. I Know I screw up and make you made enough to hurt me, but please try this other approach even just a little while you’ll see –
You are so beautiful and Wonderful, I really don’t care to live without you. You’re the focus of my hopes and dreams. I can make you very proud and very happy!
I Love You
With all my heart
and all my Soul
I wrote this last night when I got home before tatking talking to you this morning. I just got through talking to my mom for about an hour. She said that if I show some signs of straightening up and go to work then she’ll let up on me. I think I can have a job before you leave for Christmas break, I’m sure of of it. But, I need your help and support. I don’t want to lose you, I really don’t.
No matter what happens I’ll always love and cherish you. Nothing has ever meant as much to me as you do. I don’t think I’d be alive right now if it weren’t for the things you’ve done for me. I’m leaving the camera book in the case but here’s sort of a quick guide.
Please call me tonight just to talk.
15 March 1988.
Please send mail, or drop off, at the YMCA, my camera’s instruction manual.
And if you don’t mind, you agreed to give me a few shots of the Great lake for letting you take my camera. If you don’t want to let me have one or two its OK, But please don’t forget the manual I need it very badly. before I can take anymore Pict. Thanks Hayden
“Addiction, Alcoholism, and Codependency. (And Narcissism)” is copyright © 2015 by Poorkitteh. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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