Remember how I wrote that my NPD husband had gone thru each and every one of my storage boxes? And how he needed to fondle each item and then repack the boxes? (Creepy, yes, I know…) Well, he also left notes on some things. For example:
This is a joke poem that my boss gave to me in college, c.1987. My NPD spouse found it, placed it in this golden frame, and left a note on it. I thought the poem was really funny because it exposes how completely unreasonable women can be to their mates. It’s so close to truth and reality that it still makes me laugh. It’s a funny poem.
The narcissist’s lovenote:
Alas, not a ‘joke’ for Womyn Rebekah. She, in a very non-Judaic, non-Episcopalian, non-Wiccan, non-Buddhist way, truly believes, and tries to live her life, like this (provided a man coughs up the money to do so.)
Let me explain. Driftwood did not write these notes for me. No, he wrote them for his future day in court, when he would be able to stand before a judge and PROVE that I had abused him. I know this because he used to tell me about his court fantasy frequently. The narcissist believed that he was being abused (by me), and this poem was a piece of evidence. It proves that I abused him because I kept it.
Cognitive dissonance is when reality does not line up with your belief system, and it creates emotional discomfort and frustration. Driftwood believes that he was abused. He searches thru all my belongings for proof. He labels the evidence that he has collected in preparation for the trial that he hopes will vindicate him. To him (the mentally disturbed), he cannot understand why he cannot find proof among my private papers of the obvious conspiracy to destroy him, a conspiracy that includes my friends, my family, and my coworkers because he knows that everyone is out to make him look bad. He keeps searching and searching thru my things because he is driven to show the world how abused he has been. Also, the narcissist is proud of himself for being the victim who withstood it all because one day, one day, he would get justice in a court of law.
However, the reality is that he is mentally disturbed. There never was a conspiracy to make him look bad. The Anti-Driftwood Group did not have secret meetings on the first Tuesday of every month. The reason he usually came out publicly looking like an ass was because of his own behavior. He freely chose to behave badly and people who cared about me saw it. That’s the conspiracy. Also, there is no court of law where married people can go to prove who is right and who is wrong. But it is a really fun fantasy! People would line up around the block to get in.
The worst aspect of the narcissist’s delusions of being abused is that they are contagious. The more energy he put into proving how bad I was, the more I wanted to retaliate and prove that he was the bad guy, “the crazy one”. Our war of emotional violence grew as we each tried to get outside confirmation that one of us was crazy and wrong. This sick struggle for validation turned out to be one of the things that connected me to the narcissist and kept me in the marriage. I wrongly thought that if I could win the war and convince him that I was not abusing him, then maybe he would stop abusing me. Meanwhile, he believed that he could prove that I was part of a conspiracy to make him look bad. And this struggle lasted for years until I finally moved out.
The answer is to quit struggling. No-one will EVER be able to convince a narcissist that their behavior in marriage is cruel and unreasonable. You need to get out. You need to save as much money as you can and run. Run, run, run. Then go No Contact. It is the only way to win. But I thank him for the lovenotes in my belongings. They remind me just how bad I had it when I was with him. Bye-bye, narcissist. Now I can validate myself, thank you.
“Poor Narcissists Feel Abused, Too.” is copyright © 2015 by Poorkitteh. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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