I haven’t posted but 3 times this month instead of my usual 30 because first I was on the roadtrip, then when I finally arrived at my new home, my laptop broke; and also my brother has no internet connection. I have to purchase WIFI service. So it’s been a difficult month for blogging and I miss it. I feel isolated and like I am floundering in American society as I try to find my Jewish center. I have a dozen or so half-finished posts on scraps of paper and in my head. Half-finished or half-baked, I’m not sure. When I re-read one of my blog ideas, I think it’s crap that no-one will want to read and I lose the courage to post it. All in all, it has been a month of low confidence and insecurity – which surprises me because I always thought I was an OVER-confident person. I guess I didn’t see myself the way I really am, kind of like when I look in the mirror and think I am thin. Now I am wondering if this is an aftereffect of being subjected to narcissistic abuse at the hands of a narcissist? I was feeling confident that I was my old self again, but now I can see that I am not fully recovered yet. And even when I get back to square zero, I still have to become a better, healthier woman than I was. I want to get married and be a good woman for my future spouse. I need to be better than I am today, less angry, less mouthy. I can do it and I will get there in time, but I guess it’s not happening as fast as I thought it was because any small setback sends me spinning into low self-esteem mode. I don’t recall that I even had a low self-esteem mode before I married Driftwood-the-Boring. Perhaps I was in denial?
To do list for tomorrow, my day off:
Send money to Israel for my cats’ rent. $100 US
Phone Elisheva in Toronto. She’s 74 and not doing well.
Buy and prepare Shabbes food. Don’t go hungry like last week.