I have experienced two significant changes in my recovery this past week. By “recovery”, I mean the process of emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically coming to terms with the loss of *David in my life.
The first change was that I noticed that I am no longer able to write about our love affair as if it were a good thing. I am so glad that a year ago I wrote 150 posts about our sweet love and the pleasant moments that we shared because I could not do it today. Now when I try to write about David, ugly feelings of rage and injustice, disappointment, grief, sadness, and betrayal immediately pop to the surface of my mind, and I get bogged down in the hurt as if somebody threw a net over my head and trapped me beneath it. It’s unpleasant for me. For the time being, I am completely incapable of describing the good feelings. I used to get such a joyful high just from looking at his photo even, but I finally put his photo away. (Yeah me!) I don’t expect it to be away forever, but I did not bring his crappy mazal to my new house. I don’t want his crusty negativity staring into my eyes in my new home – so I am not unpacking his picture. Let it be buried for a while.
The second change is a doozy.
As a woman of faith, I was praying to God one way and now I am praying something entirely different.
I was praying like this:
Abba (Father), I want you to punish David for what he did to me and for what he is still doing to your other daughters. We are all so precious and it is completely wrong that he can be hurting women like he does. I want you to break open the shell of his Narcissism – but I want you to do it the hard way. I want it to be while he is locked up, and in the mental hospital. I want him to be in a straight jacket and I want him to be shitting on himself. I want the physical pain to be like you are cracking his skull open slowly. I want it to hurt him so badly that he is screaming in pain. And then he should see himself and understand how bad he has been. That will be the even greater suffering. I want you to break him first and then heal him after, but make sure it hurts.
Okay… I write with honesty. I wanted David punished. I wanted it to hurt. And I wanted it to be humiliating for him.
I don’t know what happened, but I woke up the other day, and I changed my mind. I made a choice to ask God to heal him. Just make him well. In exchange for my prayer, I offered God the Standing Amidah. This is an ancient Hebrew prayer that takes me about 30 minutes to do. I sing it for Hashem (God), as I do, and… as a woman of faith… I can say that I could tell right away that God was pleased with me. I am not promising to keep this up, nor to continue praying the Amidah forever; but I definitely achieved a shift in the Heavens when I abruptly switched from being focused on causing him pain to being focused on David receiving a complete healing… of his body, his soul, his mind, and his heart. Please, Abba, make him well so he can serve you in goodness instead of in shadow. Amein.
Again, I make no promises that I can remain anger-free for even one entire week. Still, it is progress for me. Shabbat Shalom.
You must log in to post a comment.