Let’s say the narcissist has been cheating, having sex with other women.
There are numerous ways that he or she can be outed:
There are all kinds of ways that a liar can get caught, and if he thinks you are about to figure it out – he will begin to spin damage control, especially if the credit card statement is on its’ way and he knows that he billed items that he shouldn’t have.
First, he will study your schedule. Let’s say you are available to the narcissist most nights, but on Wednesdays, you are busy until 9pm. All of a sudden, the narcissist will have to see you on Wednesday at 7pm. It will become crucial to your survival as a couple that he be able to see you on Wednesdays at 7pm.
The first week, you may make a switch or skip your regular obligation; but you explain that you can’t skip your duties every week. That’s unreasonable. To begin, he will lovebomb you by showering you with praise and affection for being with him; but in future weeks, he will remind you how great the first Wednesday was and try to make you feel guilty for not giving him every Wednesday. Of course, you are available most every other night, but no, it has to be the one night you aren’t free.
Step two involves letting you know how sad and lonely he is that you can’t make time for him. After purposely choosing a time when you cannot meet with him, the narcissist will construct a fake situation where that time becomes the defining moment of your relationship. It’s like working in marketing. It doesn’t matter what you did for him up until then. What can you do for him now? When you are not available on Wednesday (and he knows you aren’t), then he will switch to “You’re never available when I need you.” This is not verifiable because it is completely arbitrary when he feels he needs you. Also, he will argue that his emotional needs are not being met. ***Remember: all of this is to prepare you for the credit card statement, which is coming, and which will open your eyes to the narcissist’s lies.
When the statement comes or the girlfriend phones you or the narcissist gets caught by some other method, now he has to turn it on you.
The narcissist was so convincing when he said that he got caught lying because I somehow forced him to tell the lies – that it seemed to me, that he really believed it. He seemed to actually believe that I had forced him to lie (or cheat or steal). I did it, not him. He was telling me that it was my fault when it wasn’t. After all, I never put his penis in that woman. But he was so committed to his excuse that I think he actually started to believe it was my fault. To this day, I am still not sure if he believed that I caused him to cheat or if he understood that he was to blame. This is what survivors call “Crazy-making”. How are you going to convince me that I caused you to lie?
Another aspect is the blatant disregard for authority. He had to have known he would get caught, right? And yet he did it anyway. That’s the superiority. The narcissist believes he is smarter and better than everyone else, so he can do what he wants without consequences. And after he convinces me that it was actually my fault that he lied, then he doesn’t get consequences. He gets off scot free.
So my question is this: does he know he is lying to himself and to me?
Or… does he believe that I forced him to tell lies?
In any case, the lesson is this: set up damage control before you get caught so that the victim will never be sure if you did it on purpose or not. Doubt will cloud their judgment forever and your punishment will be less severe or none at all.
“Catching a Narcissist in a Lie.” is copyright © 2015 by 18mitzvot. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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