Tonite I find myself wondering about Recovery and what I think it would be like for me. The elusive “Recovery”, where I overcome the trauma of the narcissist and become… what?… healed?… stronger?… new & improved?
Will I return to the Rivka I was before I met the narcissist?
I wasn’t extremely happy back then. I had a beautiful apartment, good friends, two sweet kitties, but I also had a job that was too much for me. My boss needed me to work 55 hours a week – at a job that was physically draining. Every evening when I got home, I took a hot bath, ate some dinner, and went directly to bed. I awoke at 4 am, had coffee, had prayer time with God, and went back to work. ~Work, bath, dinner, sleep, coffee, prayer, work, bath, dinner, sleep, coffee, prayer.~ I didn’t even have time to buy groceries and I certainly didn’t have time to study or read. No, I was destined for a burn-out.
I did have Shabbat as my day of rest, and it was awesome. I used to read for at least 6 hours every Saturday. I started at dawn, took a break to have lunch with my neighbor and friend, Sara, then I read a few more hours, then my Shabbat nap (love that) – but I was always trying to cram a week’s worth of reading into one day. Working 55 hours a week took the rest of my life away, in my opinion. I wanted more. I wanted purpose, spirituality, and learning.
If recovery means going back to a life consumed by work and the necessities of making a living, then I won’t be happy with that – and I won’t be healed. Working too much is a good way to hide and never face my inner turmoil.
Maybe recovery will be when I get my spiritual center back (Shabbat)? I cannot focus like I used to because I find that I cannot tolerate the quiet anymore. I fill my nights with senseless noise in the form of television or movies that I have already watched twenty times, anything to distract me from thinking. I find that I fantasize about being emotionally numb and I wonder about smoking pot or trying hard drugs. What would it be like? Would it numb me? Other people say pot is great for relaxation. Is it?
I guess I have to spend some time deciding what “Recovery” would be. After all, I will have a much harder time reaching that goal if I can’t even explain what it means.
“Wondering about Recovery.” is copyright © 2015 by 18mitzvot. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
A fellow blogger who wishes to remain anonymous, gave the following reply to this post:
I can speak to the pot AND the alcohol because I’ve used both at unhealthy levels. Some would say any is unhealthy but in comparison, if I’d only experimented or made a glass of wine a treat or a pipe full an occasion, that would be so different.
I have used both to run away from pain…in excess… and I would use them even before being hurt in the affair that brought me to wordpress to read about narcissism.
But after that affair all I wanted to do was bury myself in both. Shove down that excruciating pain. At first the pot took away the searing and cutting pain I’d never felt so intensely before. Every part of me hurt so bad I felt like I needed it just to feel a little normal. To function even though that stuff takes away my motivation. But then I had none anyway.
The alcohol was the same thing. I would even drink alone at times if I didn’t have pot. But mostly I drank with a group of friends or one particular friend who was actually a support for me at the end of the affair. She was going through her own stuff too.
But then one day I noticed after drinking like three very strong craft beers it wasn’t numbing me anymore. I could feel the pain right through the alcohol. It was awful. Not only was I feeling forlorn from the beer because I wasn’t even drunk. In fact I was feeling the hangover before the fun. I was exhausted, still hurting and realizing that if I don’t start to feel it I won’t ever get through it (or over it.)
The pot too, that wasn’t doing its job anymore either. So I eventually cut way down. I’ll admit I still indulged and it has been a short time since I’ve not touched any of it. But I stopped enough to feel things, think things and be sort of functional.
I’m not advocating it at all. It will only set you back. And it’s just as much of a distraction as the other things your doing. So it sounds like you’ve reached that point where you’re at least realizing you’re distracting and that it’s not really working.
I’ve not drank since new year’s eve and the pot I can’t remember.
As for noise, I can’t stand it for too long. We almost never have the tv on here. It was weird though, I would and still do go back and forth between wanting to be around people and wanting to be by myself. A lot of the time I wanted to be around people though, when things first ended was because I needed the distraction. A much different thing than wanting to build relationships.
As for going back to who you were, I can’t see how that’s even possible or even desirable.
-Anonymous, 04 Mar 2015.
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