It amazes me how quickly some people can turn from friendly and loving to
I don’t know you.
You mean nothing to me.
They change so fast that I think it must be pre-planned. It seems like they were waiting for a signal and finally they can get what they wanted from the beginning.
My parents took me in so I could get back on my feet. It sounds caring, right? Well, not if they tell me to leave too soon. Then it’s as if I wasted my time because I have to start all over again at zero. It’s Lucy and Charlie Brown with the football. She convinces him to try, then pulls the ball away, and he falls on his ass. I know that this is our pattern. I know that this is how my parents behave. “We will help you. You’re taking too long. Get out.”
Of course it reminds of David (the narcissist).
The “plan” was I would leave by April 15th. Then it became April 1st. Now it’s March 15th. I am going to be leaving with $500 and a used car. At least that means I made a profit because the last four times, I didn’t have a car. Don’t get me wrong. I am glad to go. It’s just that I hate arriving at my destination with a few hundred dollars and no food or supplies. It’s craptastic to live so close to the edge. Granted, I did waste some money because I budgeted to leave in 7 weeks instead of 3. That’s 4 additional paychecks that I will not have.
I just wish they would help me for real one time. Once. This is Dallas all over again. My dad promised me two months rent and based on that financial contract, I made the trip. However, once I got to Dallas, he didn’t send the money! I flew 900 miles and couldn’t pay my first month’s rent. Once I started out in arrears, it was all downhill from there.
Of course, this move will be somewhat different because my brother says he will not put me out, no matter what. I really hope I will not be writing on this blog in three months from now about how “my brother is his mother’s son and just put me out!” God forbid.
Is that so criminal that I need a little help to get back on my feet?
Is it insane of me to think that my family would help me?
I bought a lottery ticket today – JUST IN CASE this could end like it does in my rich fantasy life where I win 200 million dollars and everyone lines up to kiss my ass!
I meant to write in this post how it makes me feel to be rejected by someone who I thought cared about me. This is the feeling that reminds me of David and is sending my anxiety through the roof. This is a bit of a long jump here, but I think he was right. I was looking for a father figure who would take care of me and make me feel safe. Most important of all is that I wanted to feel like I would be loved no matter what I did. You know, unconditional love. Certainly I loved the narcissist unconditionally. It did not matter what foolish things he did, I was not disloyal – not until his hurts became mean and openly evil to me. The truth is, I love most everybody with this kind of openness and abandon. My saying is “Everybody gets a second chance.” When someone hurts me, first I let my temper flare and then, if they are still around, I let them have a second chance. I mean, I can’t just toss human beings to the wind like they were bags of trash, can I? Why is it so easy for other people to throw me away? I feel hurt.
“Things Go Downhill Quickly.” is copyright © 2015 by 18mitzvot. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
You must log in to post a comment.