I worked myself into a frenzy over this afternoon’s blog post about my mom. My neck was hurting me from tension and I worried that it might spasm, so I took one-half of a muscle relaxer. I didn’t take more because I was about to start my work shift and I worried that I might feel drowsy. I showed up for work and immediately began to feel nauseous and to see halos. A migraine was coming. Shit. I didn’t have any migraine medicine with me. I told myself that if I calmed down, maybe the muscle relaxer would kick in and that would be enough to stave off the migraine. Luckily, work was slow. I got to relax while I concentrated on filling the clearance racks with items that were $10-$15 only. I got to work uninterrupted and as slowly as I wanted. It was luxurious.
The rest of my shift was uneventful until just before closing time. Suddenly there were clothes everywhere and some kids had tore up the Juniors’ department. I friggin hate the teenagers since I started working at the clothing store. When dresses are in the yoga pants and t-shirts are in the bikinis, it’s always clothes from the Juniors’ department. I started feeling rage and I realized that my tendency to be a Perfectionist had kicked in. I told myself that it’s a just a minimum wage job and I should relax. My rage was completely uncalled for. My peptalk didn’t work and I barked at a coworker. I was feeling so much pressure to get the sales floor clean before closing time. Every single night I think I cannot possibly succeed… and every single night, it gets done. The store gets cleaned because my coworkers from other departments help me, but they will stop doing that if I go off on them like a bitchy perfectionist. I have to stop it. Anyhow, I apologized to the kid for snapping at her and she said no worries. Everyone is so laid back at the store. I wonder how a Perfectionist like me got hired at all? So weird.
Anyhow, the real reason I was freaking out was because my parents are literally putting me out the door. At first, I was going to leave for April 15th. Then it became April 1st. Now they are taking the car to the mechanic on Saturday to have the tires checked – and they want me out. I told my mom that I have to give at least three weeks notice or I will lose my job in Illinois. I mean, what the fuck! Do you ever drive down the highway, with the car windows open, and just scream loudly? I think it helped. It occurred to me that I would probably feel more chillaxed if I took my prescription Xanax, but I don’t want to. I will just have to try harder to be kinder to my coworkers and to stay out of my mother’s way.
P.S.(The company decided to raise everyone’s salary by $1 an hour. How awesome is that? And next year, they will raise salaries by another dollar. If I am still with them, that will be at least $10 an hour. Now that’s a real salary.)
“Journal entry. 25 Feb 2015. Anxiety.” is copyright © 2015 by 18mitzvot. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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