(This post is about my relationship with my mother, about being angry at my parents, and about what comes next for me.)
My “loving” parents have given me shelter for 14 weeks and are eager to kick me out.
And just as I was up for a promotion at work…
So I am being sent to my brother who lives in Illinois.
I have two things going on in my brain.
1. Anger: I realize that I came here so I could be in my parents’ face 24/7. I was having a little girl’s temper tantrum because my mother and step-father were pretending that I didn’t exist. I wanted to live under their roof so they would have to look me in the eyes every morning and acknowledge that I am real… and then they would have to admit that they loved me. Well, I failed miserably. Truthfully, my mommy does love me, but she is a troubled woman, and my step-dad, he loathes me. I can live with that, actually. He’s a very sick guy, sick in the brain, I mean. Still, I had irrational fantasies of family bonding and mommy-and-me time. And I think that is the point: they were irrational… and emotional.
I think that when my step-father dies and my mother is left alone, maybe then we can have a better relationship. No, I am completely wrong. Long ago I tried an experiment on my mother. I wrote her a sweet letter once a month for almost a year. It was extremely difficult for me to stay upbeat and positive in the letters, and I often drew a blank when I tried to think of things to say, but I crawled through the effort – and she responded. My mom was excited and happy to get love notes in the mail and she became sweeter and calmer in her dealings with me. Therefore, I must admit that 50% of the conflict must stem from me. I have to learn to give her more positive reinforcement even when she is being nasty to me, otherwise, she will just write me off and pretend I don’t exist. I need to remember that she is very damaged and not a healthy person at all. She can only do what she can do.
My coming to her home, in a little girl fit of rage, was not going to solve our 40 year history of crappiness. And it didn’t work.
On the plus side, my step-father is so eager to get rid of me, that he bought a $5,000 used car so I could drive it away!
For real. He bought a 15 year old Honda Accord that has 107,000 miles on it so that I would go away. Mind you, he is not signing over the title, but I still get to leave with the car. Sounds good to me.
The 2nd thing that is going on in my head is: Joy.
I am looking forward to making a new start in a place where I am semi-welcome. (My brother is happy to have me as long as I don’t nag him to stop smoking pot, drinking to excess, and vegging out in front of the television for hours.) He’s depressed, you see, and I like fixing him. HOWEVER, I am going to show some restraint and spend my energies on fixing myself. That is one thing that I have learned from keeping this blog. I learned that I emotionally invested myself in the narcissist because it took the attention off of me. I learned that it was more natural for me to give love to someone else than to myself. And I learned that I will be healthier if I take care of my own needs first and butt-out of other people’s mental stuff!
Anyhow, my brother and I have always gotten along really well, mostly because it was “Us Against Them” when we were growing up. He likes to say that we are the only two people in the world who share our DNA (half bastard and half our mom). John and I will do well together. We always help each other to be less depressed and less anti-social.
Which is why I say “Gamzu l’tovah!” Translation: even this apparent setback is for the good and will turn out to be a great thing.
1. I get a car to use.
2. I can stay as long as I want, provided I refrain from nagging him.
3. I get to clean out my storage unit and organize my belongings.
4. I get the time and the location to purge my hoard of belongings.
5. I can transfer from my worksite to another one near John, without losing my job.
6. I will be able to have complete control over what foods I eat.
7. I will be able to keep real, true kosher!
8. There is a fitness gym just 2 blocks from John’s house and it is $10 a month to join.
9. I am closer to Toronto, my ultimate destination.
10. I have a chance to find my brother a wife.
Uh-oh. Fixing, fixing, fixing!
But seriously, this move is going to be awesome!
And it will force me to be more adult and work to financially support myself like everybody else does. Why? Because two minutes after I drive away, my father will pull the financial plug on me like he has 4 times so far this past year, for example, leaving me stranded in Dallas without a penny after he agreed to loan me two months rent. I know I can count on him to stab me in the back any way he can, therefore, it’s okay. I will be more ready because I know it’s coming.
Well, I want to wrap up this post but I just have one final thing to say. Even though I have been living with my parents, they never discovered that I committed suicide. For the last 15 months, I have been wearing a watch or a bracelet on my wrist and they never noticed. They never noticed that I wear it to sleep and I wear it to shower. Also, several times I have tried to speak to my mom about why I ended up in the homeless shelter in the first place, about why I seemed to have lost my way, about why I came to live with her at all. I have tried to find a quiet moment for us to open up to each other, but she rejects me. She does not want to talk to me. I feel badly because I know it will make her sad when she finally does find out, but I also feel angry because I would have noticed. If God forbid, our roles were reversed, I would have noticed her scar in less than 5 minutes. I would have noticed her demeanor. I would have noticed her anxiety. I would have noticed.
But they are neglectful to me… and that is why I am moving on.
Gamzu l’tovah. Let the next step in healing begin as I release this irrational, emotional desire to be appreciated by my parents and I take back my health by going full kosher.
1. March 2014: Toronto to Indiana for my divorce. Stayed one month in a hotel. (Divorce postponed by ex-husband.)
2. April 2014: Indiana to Dallas to live with my Torah-sister. (Narcissist used me for money to buy drugs.)
3. May 2014: Spent 30 nights in homeless shelter, a relatively happy time. (I started this blog.)
4. June 2014: Dallas to Florida. My mom took me in.
5. September 2014: Florida to Illinois. I got to hang-out at my brother’s house while I tried to conclude the divorce. (Ex-husband got another continuance.)
6. November 2014: Illinois to Florida. Started my first job since I left Israel in late August 2013. Regained my self-esteem.
December 23, 2014: Divorce final.
7. February 2015: Going to Illinois.
8. Future: A home of my own where I can keep Shabbes and worship Hashem with all my heart, soul, and resources.
“I am moving for the 7th time in 11 months. Gamzu l’tovah.” is copyright © 2015 by 18mitzvot. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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