I couldn’t fall asleep last nite, and then I got out of bed at 11:01am – when I was supposed to start my work shift at 11:00. Whoops. And there’s my father. Damn it. It’s a Sunday and he didn’t work today. I splashed water all over my hair because I didn’t have time for a shower. I threw on my easy-care work clothes and ran out the door. No coffee. Damn it.
Vrroom! I raced my car right past a police car, as I was doing 46 in a 30. Yep. He’s doing a U-turn and here he comes. Lights. Rrrrrreee! Damn it.
While he stepped away with my license, I realized that this was going to be a $300 ticket and that means my entire paycheck for most of the next two weeks will be used up just to pay for the speeding ticket. I will be clocking into work every day just to pay off this ticket. Damn it.
But he gave me a warning and I don’t have to pay even a dime! I know, right?! Cops, apparently they do give people a break sometimes. Baruch Hashem.
I continued onto work where I clocked in 38 minutes late and no-one said a word about it. These people are so laid-back. This low-skill job in the clothing store is exactly what I needed to recuperate. I’m rebuilding my self-esteem and I’m rebuilding my bank account. I feel stronger every day and healthier, and I am starting to think about my resume and applying to jobs that will be way more stressful, but better paying, as well. I wish I could hide forever in my comfy, retail job – but I can do more – and, therefore, I should. It’s time to realize my potential.
So the reason I couldn’t fall asleep last night was because I was having another round of grief. I feel like a hypocrite after my stellar post about “Serenity”, but that is what happens with grief – it comes in waves. And, possibly, when you least expect it. So you have your five kinds of commonly-accepted griefs: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and even acceptance-grief. I was doing anger-grief. I was thinking about David (the narcissist) and missing the false persona that I had been in love with. I wrote a 7 page letter to him (which I did not send) and then I imagined how he would respond to my attempt to reach out to him.
Here’s what I think the narcissist would say to me:
“You’re invading my boundaries right now because I said I never wanted to hear from you again. Just go away, Rivka. You’re not a Jew. A Jewish woman would respect the man and not rape him. You forced me to disassociate. If you keep writing to me, I’m going to call the police.”
(Translation: nonsense, discard, extreme devalue, devalue plus nonsense, threat.)
Note: David started abusing me by telling me that I’m not a Jew because it is the ultimate devalue. It attacks my very core existence and simultaneously belittles all of my efforts to be authentic. It diminishes me. – Imagine if you had freckles, and your true love, the person you care most about in all the world, that person accused you of getting the freckles tattooed on your face because you wanted attention. He said your freckles are fake and ugly. How would you feel?
-Betrayed? Your true love just called you “ugly”.
-Confused? You were born with freckles. They’re not fake!
-Weirded out? This person is crazy!
After writing the letter from David’s point-of-view, I knew that his version of reality will always be crazy – and I got angry.
I wanted justice. I wanted him to be punished for his lies and his cruelty.
I got really angry and I couldn’t sleep (which is extremely unusual for me).
So when I woke up in the morning, and I had overslept, and I was late for work, and my dad witnessed me being irresponsible… and then I got pulled over for speeding… I made a choice as I was sitting in my car, waiting for the speeding ticket. I decided right then and there that I could laugh it off. I decided it was funny. I relaxed. I was not going to let my day spiral out of control. I think I made the right choice.
“Vrroom! Anger-Grief bites again.” is copyright © 2015 by 18mitzvot. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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