Recently, I started showing signs of diabetes.
I have been pre-diabetic for over 30 years and have had bouts of being insulin-resistant, so it is always a legitimate concern for me to watch my blood glucose levels. However, this time, it turned out that it was our family dog who has diabetes and is now on insulin. This has happened to me before. For example, the time I broke out with hives all over my body and could not discern a reason. I had not changed my laundry soap, my shampoo, my body soap or my perfume. It turned out that my new roommate had a history of hives. My body had accepted (her) hives as my own. This is why I have to be extremely careful about whom I permit to live in the same house with me. In psychic circles, we would say that I have trouble shielding.
Explanation of psychic shielding from Spirit Web at http://www.spirit-web.org/mysteries/playful-psychic/shielding :
A shield can have many effects, alone or in combination. A shield can keep energy on one side or the other, or act as a filter to allow only certain energy inside. It can convert energy from one form to another so that a filter is unnecessary. Shields help empaths keep out some of the extra emotional energy so they don’t feel overwhelmed.
Shields also define boundaries in the physical world, which people will usually not cross. Often they won’t even realize why they stopped there. The edge of a shield works as a psychic alarm. When someone physically crosses it, the shield gives the owner a psychic warning that someone is nearby.
I have always had trouble shielding and staying separate from “the patient”. This is due to the nature of my gift. This post is about Extra-Sensory Perception and impulse control (or lack of), as relates to narcissistic abuse.
ESP per Merriam-Webster online dictionary at http://www.merriam-webster.com :
Full Definition of EXTRASENSORY PERCEPTION: perception (as in telepathy, clairvoyance, and precognition) that involves awareness of information about events external to the self not gained through the senses and not deducible from previous experience —called also ESP
[If you do not believe in psychic abilities, please stop reading and move along. Nothing to see here.]
Before I talk about what my gift/curse has to do with lack of impulse control, I would like to explain my position on ESP or psychic abilities. It seems obvious to me that psychic ability is caused by a gene, the same as having red hair or freckles or having hairy arms or being tall, because psychic ability runs in families. Additionally, any and all genes have to be “turned on” by hormones that modern science has practically zero understanding of, but we are learning more every day. Personally, I look to stroke victims to provide the key. Scientists can study stroke victims who have lost (to cell death) certain areas of their brain to learn which areas of the human brain control and/or influence which functions and abilities of both the body and the ability to think. Or, maybe, the answer will come from mitochondrial DNA analysis. I think hope it will be less than 50 years before science can prove that psychic ability is genetically coded into one’s DNA. Not that it can’t be developed, but some of us are born this way. (Sermon over.)
Alternately, you might say that this story is just an excuse for my lack of self-disciple and there is also truth in that statement. I do not wish to control my impulses and you will soon see why. In the words of my David, “These and these are true.”
So I am what I call “a messenger”; I deliver messages. I am not clairvoyant (able to see the future). [Beware: Hebrews are not allowed to prophesize, per Torah.] Rather, I am clairaudient. I have psychic hearing. I hear a message. I have to determine who the message is for. Then I deliver the message. This process is so friggin complicated, I cannot even tell you. First off, the message will play in my mind, over and over, until it gets delivered. If you thought I was crazy before, you should see me when I am trying to get a message out of my head. It will take over my whole existence until I can deliver it. If I sleep, it plays in my sleep. If I have to go to work, it keeps tapping on my brain. If I am making a shopping list, it becomes “milk, cereal, raisins, and deliver that message.” It is just there all the time, waiting to be delivered. And sometimes it takes a while. Fortunately, I average about two messages per year. They are rare and special.
The recipient invariably asks me, “Where did the message come from? Who gave you the message?” The answer is… “I don’t know. I don’t make the pizzas; I just deliver them.” Anyhow, the messages have almost always been total gibberish to me. I don’t even know what they mean, however, the recipient completely understood – which made it all the more creepy for them. One dear friend told me that he was so grateful for the information that I gave to him, at just the right time, to solve a problem in his family – and yet, he asked me not to do it again! He said he doesn’t want any more messages. Again, I don’t make the pizzas; I just deliver them. By the way, the message that saved his family was just two words, words that meant nothing to me, which is why he was so freaked out. He realized that I didn’t know the meaning of what I was saying. So that’s my story (in brief) of how it works to be clairaudient. Now I will show the connection to narcissism and being targeted (victimized).
The nature of my psychic gift, which is to receive messages, requires that I be open. I must stay open to signs and signals. I must be open to receive emotional impressions. I must be open to the presence of non-physical information. [Beware: Hebrews are forbidden to talk to the dead, per Torah.] I must be ready at all times to be used for message delivery service. That is my choice. Hence, the connection between ESP and lack of impulse control. I had a rabbi who explained to me that he thinks ten times before he lets any words leave his lips, and he was attempting to teach me to have similar self-control – but this is antithesis to my gift! I cannot be filtering my words like that. The reason that I cannot filter the messages is because of ego. Sometimes, I have wanted to feel important and superior, therefore, I told the message according to what I thought it meant. However, I was always wrong. Not once did I understand correctly a message that was intended to be delivered to someone else. I am not supposed to put my own spin on things. I am supposed to shut up and deliver the pizzas. It’s not for me to interpret them. Therefore, I have to have a large measure of impulsiveness. I get the message and I spit it out just as it came to me. Otherwise, the recipient might not get the whole package, and who am I to make decisions like that? No filtering.
However, I have been studying the laws of correct speech since I went to Tzfat and I have made vast improvement. According to the Shulchan Aruch, a great Jewish text that delineates proper behavior, there are correct and incorrect ways to speak. For example, you do not praise someone who is a shithead and malign someone who has a good heart. You do not tell lies about people. One should never engage in gossip. You should not give advice to someone if you are certain that they are not going to take it. You should never mention someone’s shame after they have apologized for it. It’s done. Learning some of the laws of correct speech has helped me to curb my brazen mouth while maintaining my psychic openness. Gamzu l’tovah.
Enter the narcissist. David did not know why I was so easy to read, but he was happy to use my openness against me. He projected suffering: physical (he was ill), emotional (he was grieving), and spiritual (he felt thwarted). Of course I couldn’t ignore his sufferings when I felt them so acutely in my own sphere. Now a word about codependence.
-Codependency as defined in the Merriam-Webster online Medical Dictionary:
I need to point out that a person can certainly be receptive to other people’s needs, feelings, and pains without taking them on in a codependent (unhealthy) way. There is no reason to become callous just because you are frightened that you might be used again or hurt again like the bad person used and hurt you. There is no reason to discard your gifts out of fear or because you think it will protect you from pain, because the world is full of mostly good people. On the contrary, gifts are for bringing more light into the world. Do not misuse them or try to subdue them. Nothing good will come of stuffing a cork into the mouth of a fountain. Not a good idea. (Free advice from me.)
We empaths (formerly called psychics) can learn to set boundaries. Be open to everything, but don’t take it in as your own. Avoid toxic people (No Contact). Do not internalize another person’s suffering. Do not take on your roommate’s hives or your dog’s diabetes. I confess openly that this is me giving good advice that I don’t follow, but this whole narcissist experience is changing me in ways that I did not hear coming. Get it? I didn’t hear it. Hehehe. I hope that I will soon be writing blog posts about limits and safety and success at shielding. But, meanwhile, here are some tips about cleansing.
As a self-admitted psychic who has problems with shielding, I am not the person to give advice about cleansing. Not yet, anyway. Or maybe I am because I need it more than I should? Please research psychic shielding for yourself.
My goals for this blog post were:
How well did I achieve my goals?
“ESP & Impulse Control.” is copyright © 2014 by 18mitzvot. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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