I arrived in Florida yesterday. After a lousy night’s sleep (because the dog and cat woke me up five times), I put on my one good suit and set out to get a temporary holiday job at a retail store – ideally at a discount clothing store, because with the employee discount, I could build a nice career wardrobe. I filled out an application and turned it in. A manager interviewed me on the spot, and I did very well. He said he would get back to me after he calls my references. Therefore, I started phoning my references (to warn them) and one man gave me the name and number of two funeral home managers who are hiring part-time Funeral Directors. The jobs are almost an hour commute from my mom’s house, but at twice the pay of the clothing stores. I have an interview with one man tomorrow and the other seemed to have offered me two days a week on the phone, but I am not counting the money until it hatches. In my opinion, that is insanely positive results from one lousy day of job hunting! My god, I got three good bites in one afternoon.
…and there goes my mom… Your hair is too long. You need pantyhose. You’ll need a car. It’s too far. Oh, do you really want to work there? You need better shoes. … Yes, I need a lot of things. Can I please get hired before the criticism starts? What ever happened to “You scored an interview? Great job, daughter. That’s a very encouraging start! You can do this!”…or the number one thing I would like my mother to say to me: “I love you, sweetie.”
I never should have come back here – and it’s only been 24 hours!
Then she deeply hurt my feelings. The new house came with a kitchen table that seats 8. I said it will be perfect when my friends come over to practice Conversational Hebrew. And my mommy said, “I don’t think so. You won’t be doing any Jewish things here.” Stunned by her sudden aggression (and open racism), I asked her what she would say if we were studying Conversational French. She answered that she would talk to my father about it. That is the adult version of “You just wait until your father gets home!” i.e. a punishment is coming.
I would like to call this post “Breaking Records in Family Dysfunction” because in the very first day, my dad has been passive-aggressively open that he doesn’t want me in their home; my mom has criticized me for my highly successful attempts to find a job; and my mom has disrespected my core values. However, I think they can abuse and neglect me even more; so I’ll save that title for another day.
This type of familial abuse is strongly connected to narcissism.
Don’t misunderstand me. No-one is to blame except for me and the narcissist who targeted me. However, I could use a little help to get back on my feet and isn’t that why families exist, to help each other and provide safety from the outside world? Why do they hurt me so much?
Two days ago, I had a panic attack because I was feeling guilty about this blog. You see, this blog is supposed to be anonymous – mainly because of the not nice things I write about my mother and my father. While everything I write is factual, I would die of shame if someone at my step-father’s workplace read the stories I have published about him. I do not want to out the man. And my mother? I am so ashamed of the way she verbally attacks me and dismisses me. By what right does she disrespect me like that? Because she carried me in her womb? Or is it because I need financial assistance right now?
I am so hurt, and I know that it has nothing to do with money. Yes, I should be on my own. So why did you take me in? Did you do it because you love me or because you were afraid of what the neighbors would say? Why do you keep telling me how disappointed you are in me? Does anyone have the right to say that to another human being? Am I not your child?
Parents, please hug your kid today and tell them that you love them. Hug your child even if they are 48-years old.
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