I haven’t been writing blog posts because I feel numb. Once I came to the decision to face reality and admit that the narcissist:
a. doesn’t love me
b. didn’t love me
c. never loved me
d. and is incapable of getting well
Then my life halted. I don’t know where to go from here.
Every morning when I say my prayers, I add a personal plea to one of the traditional Hebrew prayers, to end up with this: “Bless you, King of the universe, for removing sleep from my eyes, that I should see things as they really are, with no illusions, even regarding David.” Ironically, David is the one who taught me to pray to see the world with no illusions. I guess the prayer worked because I no longer idolize David as the end-all-be-all of my existence. When I was with the narcissist (or even near the narcissist), I believed that he was so important to the daily movement of the solar system. Seriously, I thought David was so special, such a miracle of a human life, that I wanted to be in service to him. I wanted to be Alfred to his Batman, taking care of his needs in any way that I could and becoming the one rock of stability in his turbulent life. I made myself a moon to his sun. However, today I have no sun to worship as a false power because no illusions means I admit he never loved me. This should be excellent, a turning point in my recovery – but I feel numb and stalled.
(Here’s where I argue with myself.)
What’s the big deal? I should pick up the pieces and move forward.
Why? Because I’m stuck here? Because I wasn’t allowed to take my own life?
It would be practical. Since I have to be alive for 30 more years, I may as well start to make it work. Perhaps I may even begin to enjoy myself?
So which way is forward?
For me, forward means going home to Israel. However, it takes a great deal of emotional fortitude to be an immigrant in Israel. I can’t do it yet. I can’t go back to working 55 hours a week as a janitor and I can’t explain to my friends why I have a suicide scar on my wrist. I just can’t go back yet – but I could do more to get myself ready.
The obvious solution to my problem of what to do with the rest of my life is to:
a. Learn to speak fluent Hebrew.
b. Lose 75 pounds. (I would be extremely satisfied with 50 lbs.)
If I become fluent and if I lose weight, I can go home because I would be able to get a better job and I would be physically fit. Good. Now I have a goal. Next, I need to make a timetable because goals without due dates never materialize. Due date… First I have to complicate by adding “Find a job” to the list. Work means avoiding homelessness, so work is an urgent necessity. Fortunately, I feel more than ready to work. I’ve been healing from the Discard for a year and I feel capable of rejoining society now. Again, most victims of a narcissist do not have the luxury of sitting on their ass for a year to recover from the abuse. I don’t know why that’s how it worked out for me. It just did. Please don’t be jealous.
My plan to move forward:
1. Get a temporary Xmas job at a retail store.
2. Continue to search for proper employment in my field.
3. Try the CoDA meetings. (Codependents Anonymous)
4. Reenergize my Shabbats. (Should be #1 on the list)
5. Start walking around my new neighborhood, provided there are no mosquitos.
6. Use my Rosetta Stone Hebrew program regularly.
Points covered by this plan:
• Hebrew Fluency
Problem: I think I am done, but I am not. I didn’t set any deadlines for myself. In other words, I am all talk and no action. I motion I postpone until I get back from vacation on November 10th. Do I have a second?
“I Am Trying to Set Goals After the Narcissist’s Discard.” is copyright © 2014 by 18mitzvot. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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