I’m watching JTV, a television channel for selling jewelry. They show a piece of jewelry and then you can phone in and buy it on your credit card. I’m watching because they’re featuring handmade artisanal jewelry from Israel and the designer, Udi Behr, is Israeli. I’m enjoying his heavily accented English. He made a funny faux-pas about “enjoying family bondage”. Very cute. Let’s be clear. I’m not making fun of him; I’m enjoying him. You should hear how I mangle his mother tongue when I speak Hebrew. I miss my home (Tzfat).
Making fun of people reminds me of Driftwood (narcissist) because he could never be happy for another person’s success. Eleven years and not once did I hear him say that he felt good because someone else succeeded at something. Anything. When someone got promoted, he said they were a kiss-ass. When someone got married, he said it wouldn’t last. When someone enrolled in college, he said they wouldn’t graduate. When someone bought a new car, he said they were just showing off. And those were his friends!
I didn’t understand him and his need to put other people down. I foolishly tried to change him by talking it through in a calm and logical debate. Frequently we discussed his inappropriate jealousy, but I never pressed the issue because I was in denial and didn’t want to believe that he was saying what he truly believed. I was embarrassed that my husband had such a jealous heart, so I rationalized that he was just tired or having a bad day. ha ha ha. It seems funny now that I could be so blind when the evidence was right in my face. He told me how he felt and I made excuses for him.
I have a charitable heart. I enjoy thinking the best about people. I enjoy living in a world where people are good and kind. This is the antithesis of a narcissist’s way of thinking. It seems they hate everyone and want to “take them down a peg”. That is one of Driftwood’s favorite sayings (and one of my least favorite). Like I said, I felt embarrassed that my husband had a jealous heart and I didn’t relate.
In retrospect, I would say that I needed to be more LOVING to MYSELF and realize that I was not to blame because Driftwood grew up to be a bad egg. It wasn’t my fault and I had no reason to feel embarrassed. I deserve to forgive myself.
“Narcissists Are Jealous. ” is copyright © 2014 by 18mitzvot. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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