Yesterday, I drove across the Blue Water Bridge from Ontario, Canada to Michigan State, USA. That bridge was terrifying because it is so high in the air. I had to concentrate very hard to calm myself. I tried to look only at the pavement and to obscure the abyss to my right, the abyss to my left, and the abyss beneath me. I pretended I was wearing horses’ blinders so that I could delete my peripheral vision as much as possible.
I passed beneath a sign that read “Welcome to Michigan” and I thought I was on the US side of the border. Because I had boxes in the back of my truck, the customs official flagged me for questioning. I parked my vehicle and walked into the border patrol office. Two male officers asked me a lot of questions that I wasn’t prepared to answer. “Who was I visiting in Canada? How did I meet them?”
The truth is, I drove into Toronto, took my boxes from storage, ate lunch, and drove back to the US. I think that is suspicious behavior. Why did I have storage in Canada if I don’t live there? Did anyone have access to my boxes? Can I be sure that they were never tampered with? No.
I told the two agents that I had been dating a Canadian man, we broke up, and now I was going home. Then I added, “I’ll never make that mistake again.” – at which point I discovered that the border patrol agents work in pairs: one Canadian officer and one American officer. I had just offended the Canadian! “We’re gonna need to search your vehicle.” says the American officer. “What’s in the boxes?”
“My clothes and some books.” I answered.
The officer responded teasingly, “Your ex, he’s not in the boxes, is he?”
The thing is… I hesitated!
A malicious smile spontaneously appeared on my face as I contemplated the delicious evilness of packing my ex-narcissist’s body parts into Tim Horton boxes and driving his corpse across the border to the USA!
Again the agent says, “We’re gonna need to search your vehicle… and open your boxes.” HA HA HA HA HA HA
P.S. Do not insult Canadians when you are standing before the Canada Border Patrol. They will detain you and search your vehicle!
Here’s what I wanted to say but didn’t because I didn’t think of it until five minutes later: Rivka’s Imaginary Rant at Canada Border Patrol.
You know what’s wrong with Canadians? Both men and women? The more angry you get, the more polite you become. It’s dishonest! Americans, we’re loud. We want to tell you what we think. We want to tell you how we feel. And we want to have dialogue about it! But you Canadians… “Oh, no, we can’t talk about our angry feelings. That’s not polite.” Stupid Canadian who broke my heart.
“Funny Story. Canada Border Patrol.” is copyright © 2014 by 18mitzvot. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
You must log in to post a comment.