Last post, I was having a little freakout. My ex-husband phoned me and rattled my chains. I was feeling despair (see post about despair: Ayn Yeush BaOlam) that I would never be able to get free of him, no matter how far away I ran. I confessed that I wanted to die (or more specifically, I wanted to kill myself).
The first 3 days were rough, but I started to recover just hours before Shabbat. I reminded myself that I did get a pre-warning. (I guess the correct term is advance warning.) I wrote about the dream message that I would leave prison penniless but free. Now I think the dream message was actually a dream warning. I will have the choice: opt to knowingly stay in jail because I think I will be able to hold onto my assets (which I won’t) … or… take my freedom and go out the door. In the dream, I volunteered to stay in prison longer but still left empty-handed and feeling silly for choosing not to leave when I had the chance. I am finding it hard to hold on to the belief that I can reinvent myself – yet again. So many times I chose the adventure over stability. I ended up with awesome experiences but no cash to show for it. I have no money saved and that scares me. But I don’t regret choosing the adventures every time. I would still do that and I will most likely chose the adventure over stability next time as well. Although, I do like a nice fluffy mattress and hot, running water. Those luxuries were not important to me 30 years ago. No, I am not digressing. I am saying that I can expect to start again with nothing. I can expect to reinvent myself. And I do not have to feel despair or commit suicide. Despair is an illusion, remember?
Please expect my emotions to swing high and low for the next week, because I do. But, it’s okay. I have faced worse demons.
A rabbi friend of mine, Rabbi Marc Labowitz of TAO – Temple Adath Or, Fort Lauderdale, Florida, likes to start Shabbat by turning backwards and waving good-bye to the previous week. Release the trials, he says, and forgive yourself. I prefer to turn around and welcome my light, my sunshine, my Shabbes Queen who has come to stay with me; but Rabbi Marc’s version has it’s own sweetness.
For those of you who were worrying about me, I apologize. It’s not good for me to post that I feel suicidal because it could be a trigger for someone else. Yet, I don’t know, maybe I would have hurt myself if I didn’t have the blogging to help me? Usually I would say, “A good night’s sleep fixes everything.” , but I didn’t have a good night’s sleep. I dreamt of loss and decay, and being stained from cradling the head of an old, dead king in my lap. It was weird. Anyhow, no more suicide. I am going to be a brave girl and walk tall to my court marshal. Look for me. I’ll be the naked lady dancing in the street, singing “Ding, dong, the ex is dead, the wicked ex, the mean old ex, ding, dong, the wicked ex is dead!” And then I will start forgiving myself for marrying Driftwood in the first place.
“I survived the weekend.” is copyright © 2014 by 18mitzvot. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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