When I began this blog on Rosh Chodesh Nissan (01 April 2014), I had a visual plan in my mind’s eye of writing 200 journal entries as I recorded my pain and chronicled my recovery from the narcissist’s abuse. I expected that 200 posts would be the amount of journaling that I would need in order to become functioning once again and that after the 200th, I would be able to move on with my life.
Now picture an ice cream sundae. The luscious, maraschino cherry dipped in nuclear-bright red dye #40 is the crown atop the yummy treat, and in my blog, it would have been the one and only photograph I have of me and David together. I love that photograph. Not only does it prove that we existed; but everyone can plainly see with their own eyes how much I am in love. Real love. Perfect, heavenly, holy love.
I was saving that photograph for post #200.
Guess what? 200 posts wasn’t enough time to become functioning again! LOL
I still stay in my pajamas until noon.
I still stress eat.
I still burst into tears at the smallest of injustices.
I could not possibly go on a date with a man.
I am unable to plan ahead more than a few days at a time.
I do realize that everything will change as soon as I find a job, as I have been unemployed for more than a year. Once I start working, I will have to enforce a schedule of sleeping and waking at work-appropriate hours; I will have to leave the house more often; I will have income; and I may meet some new friends. And, yes, I am applying for jobs and going on interviews. It is only a matter of time.
My fear is that I will be emotionally unable to handle the most menial of part-time jobs and then what will become of me?
Someday, my David, my beautiful, beloved David, will stumble across this blog and recognize that the first 150 posts are about him. (The most recent posts prove that I have moved on to other foci, like… myself and my recovery and my family’s recovery.) I freely admit that I long for that day, the day David reads my journals. I hate it that he cannot be part of my life, even if he is a dangerous influence and we harbor intense, suppressed anger towards each other. Intellectually, I accept the realities of No Contact and Narcissism, but my heart wishes it could be otherwise.
So I decided to do a very naughty thing…
I have decided to post the photo anyway (without David’s permission).
Oh, he will be so HOT!!!
A narcissist’s rage is nothing to trifle with – better to sleep in a sack with a cobra, a scorpion, and a rabid dog!
So I spent the morning using photo editing software to disguise my narcissist, since I do not have his permission to show his face. I gave him a rubber clown nose. I drew crazy beards on him. I gave him an ascot and a tophat. HA HA HA. OMG, I had so much fun! I tried replacing him with a hunky blond. I gave him a silly face. I tried superimposing a mirrored disco ball on his face. HA HA HA.
Finally I realized that I am okay.
(PS. Please do not reblog my post. WordPress does not have a function to block individual posts from being reblogged. Thank you.)
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