Only four weeks until court because Driftwood refuses to buy me out of our marital home. His narcissistic pov is: he is entitled to all of our assets because I chose to leave the marriage. Fortunately, that is illegal and since he refuses to negotiate, a judge will negotiate for him. While skimming a self-help book about divorcing a narcissist, I learned a new term that immediately had 3 mental connections for me.
SPLITTING: a dysfunctional way of coping where the narcissist unconsciously sees people as all-good or all-bad.
Because of unconscious splitting, people with NPD traits may truly believe that you are now the most dangerous, evil, immoral, crazy or stupid person in the world. Therefore, they may feel justified in treating you with extreme hatred.
1. David and the Great Virgin/Whore Debate of 2013.
David used to devalue me by telling me that his dream wife, the only woman who would ever make him happy, would be a 20-year old Moroccan virgin. I pointed out to him that she would only be a virgin for one night, and then what? Smoke started coming out of his ears. “Does not compute. Error. Error.” Pop-Zing. And then he called me a “demon”. HA HA HA HA HA
2. Idealization Phase.
I never enjoyed the narcissist’s grooming as much as I should have because it made me uncomfortable. I could hardly ever name the reason I didn’t like it, but I knew I didn’t like it. Even in my dopamine-induced cloud of infatuation, I knew I was never as perfect as he said I was and I didn’t understand why I had to stand on a pedestal. David had very high goals for me, but I asked him, “Why can’t I just be myself?” I don’t even use hairspray. I don’t want to be a princess on a pedestal. I view it as too much effort.
3. How could he become so cruel after he had once been so kind?
David took the position “If any enemy is coming to kill you, you must kill him first.” He decided that I, Rivka, was the most dangerous person in the world and that he would be justified in killing me. He compared me to Hitler. If I traveled back in time and met Hitler as a baby, would I kill him because I knew the future?
So how can I reprocess these experiences now that I have learned about SPLITTING?
David’s idea about womanhood is a hollow characterization of a potential woman who does not exist. She is a perfect fantasy and he can never meet her. Therefore, when he meets a new target, he falls in “love” so hard because he desperately hopes that his loneliness will finally be over. However, as he spends time with the new target and begins to see her natural, human flaws; he gets disappointed. He discards the girl and moves on to another victim. Instead of feeling badly for the girl he just built up and then dumped, he feel sorry for himself! Poor David says that his heart gets broken again and again because his faith in women is misplaced.
Oh, his heart is broken, alright. (Sarcasm.)
With me, he was able to become cruel even though his standard nature is to be kind, because he felt justified. He “split” me.
In his mind, he redefined me as ALL-EVIL and, therefore, freed himself up to hurt me in whatever ways he could invent. He depersonalized me and gave himself permission to harm another human being. He told me many times that it was “the right thing to do” for him to use whatever attacks he could to defend himself from a monster such as I.
These attacks are detailed in this post: https://18mitzvot.wordpress.com/2014/05/28/list-of-the-worst-things-narcissist-did-to-hurt-me/
By contrast, non-NPD people see shades of grey. We know that people are neither all-saint nor all-sinner, neither all-angel nor all-devil. We can forgive mistakes and give second chances. We can understand that decent people have bad days and that even abusive people sometimes do the right thing (for a moment). Life is too complicated to be divided into all-good and all-bad… and that’s what makes it beautiful.
“Saint Narcissist.” is copyright © 2014 by 18mitzvot. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Reference Source: “Splitting: protecting yourself while divorcing someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder” by Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger
SPLITTING refers to a defense mechanism universally seen in people with NPD. It means unconsciously seeing people as all-good or all-bad.
Splitting is an extreme way of coping with confusion, anxiety, and mixed feelings and is especially prevalent under stress, particularly the stress of breaking up with someone the narcissist views as critical to his or her
emotionalsurvival. People who split in this manner put their partner on a pedestal and then knock them down.
Perhaps you are familiar with this pattern. In the beginning of your relationship, your partner may have idolized you, and vice versa. Now that you’re involved in a separation and divorce, your partner sees you as all-bad to the extreme and may act abusively or make numerous false statements. This is an unconscious effort to cope with the emotions of loss of attachment to you, loss of an inflated self-image, and loss of control. This is true whether it is you or the narcissist who initiated the separation. Because of unconscious splitting, people with NPD traits may truly believe that you are now the most dangerous, evil, immoral, crazy or stupid person in the world. p.16
Therefore, they may feel justified in treating you in these extreme ways:
Hitting you (domestic violence)
Destroying your property
Trying to keep you from leaving a room or the house
Harassing you by phone or taking away your phone
Refusing to work
Spreading rumors about you
Using the court system to humiliate and control you
Making false accusations of domestic violence against you
Telling the court you can earn a lot of money but are unwilling
Hurting the children
Kidnapping the children
Alienating the children
Making false accusations of child abuse/neglect/alienation against you
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