After the narcissist and I broke up… oh, there I go denying the facts again, totally unable to admit how cruel and destructive my narcissist was when he tried to kill me. Let me try again. After the narcissist discarded me with words of love, such as “you piece of filth, you are a chronic hurter who has made it impossible for me to ever trust a woman again. It’s all your fault that I am so miserable.” blah, blah, blah.
I used to help myself by writing letters that I never sent. I have an email box full of drafts, about 95 letters. Some are loving, some are pitiful. Most just ask, “Why?” Here is one that is angry. I wrote this in January of 2014, eight months ago, and I never sent it. (Bashert means true love, zivug or twin flame. Bashert implies that the Creator made David and Rivka for each other from His unfathomable kindness for His creations.)
According to the book about Psychopaths & Narcissists that I am reading, you all follow a predictable pattern of behavior. The book says you will very quickly get married and appear to settle down. The woman you choose will be fairly dumb, as you hope that a dumb wife won’t discover what you really are – but of course she will! Dumb or not, she will realize that she is in a loveless marriage and then she will start having affairs (just like your first marriage). Like you said, “I am the world’s most unattainable man.” Your poor wife will see right thru you in no time at all. Meanwhile, you will be dutifully playing the roles of husband and father, trying to gain respect in the community – but it will be such a tedious bore for you.
That is the best any Narcissist can hope for: a loveless marriage, a wife who is beneath you, being bored all the time, and going through the motions. Wow, I feel sorry for you.
But I am going to add my own insight: May you wake up screaming every night, “Oh my God, I sent my bashert away! What have I done?” Only this suffering is justice for you, David. Amen.
Although you characteristically have no understanding of the big picture, I hope that this one time God makes you see. Then you will say, “It wasn’t a fantasy. I actually did have a bashert – but I blew it because I am a horrible human being. Now what? How many years do I have to keep pretending that I am happy in my loveless marriage? How long must I suffer now that I see what I rejected in my Narcissism? It’s not fair, God. I really am Iyov.”
And the best revenge for me is knowing you will grow old and wrinkled. Your superficial appearance is your only identity, and it will rot while you are still alive! Hevel haYofe. hehehe [Beauty doesn’t last.]
You are going to grow old, David. Old and ugly. You are going to suffer through another loveless marriage – because you don’t love. Your poor wife will have to seek affection outside of the marriage, and your teenage kids will feel uneasy. You will be bored all the time. You have a crappy life ahead of you. And you actively chose it for yourself! Way to go, Einstein.
Why am I writing these mean things? 1. Because it makes me feel better. 2. Because when I finally stopped being kind to you, you showed a glimmer of understanding that you realized to some small degree that you hurt me. I can also take comfort in the expectation that God is gonna kick your ass for destroying His world and harming His women. You are in big trouble! And I hope I get to see.
I am glad that I didn’t send this email.
Even reading it today, eight months later, makes me so sad.
1. There’s truth in this letter. David did confide in me that his plan was to marry a stupid girl so she would worship and obey him. Later, I read in a reference book (Psychopath Free) that this is a common strategy narcissists use to conceal themselves in society, which gives them access to more targets.
2. I don’t believe that a man can make a happy marriage by choosing the wife who will be the most easily manipulated.
3. Above any other emotion, I was furious that I couldn’t have my way. I wanted my happily-ever-after-princess-fairy ending and the only reason I wasn’t getting it was because David refused to cooperate.
How did I get to a place of such sickness? This is the number two question when examining narcissism. Question number one: How did the narcissist get so damaged? Question number two: Was I insane before they chose me or did I become insane from them? (If you don’t like to think of yourself as insane, you can substitute: damaged, delusional, depressed, off-balance, mentally ill, crippled…)
I understand that I was so angry because I wanted Justice. I wanted the Narcissist to feel my pain so that he could stop hurting women and do a complete turn around. I wanted the narcissist to become cured.
However, I also wanted something that was entirely for my own selfish needs. I wanted the narcissist to love me and marry me. I wanted it and he wouldn’t cooperate. The expletive-expletive narcissist refused to love me. He told me he loved me, but his actions never corroborated the story.
Since this time, I have read at least a hundred articles by medical professionals, victims, and even narcissists themselves that declare that a narcissist cannot express unconditional love. They can be attracted to people. They can know they have parental bonds. They can know they have siblings and families. They can fill roles and mirror others to project the illusion of appropriate behavior. Yet, fundamentally, they are acting. All of it is fake. Boredom, contempt, jealousy – these feelings are the totality of a narcissist’s emotional rainbow.
But what happened to me? How did I get so obsessed that I wanted to force the narcissist to stop being sick? Clearly, I became sick myself.
It’s almost a year since I wrote this hateful, angry email to David. I have had no therapy, no counseling (mostly due to poverty). I have had to muddle through all by myself. My family criticizes me for not getting my act together more quickly. I have not tried to kill myself again. I have not become addicted to drugs (although I do like to dabble). I have not become addicted to sex. I have not cut myself, although I do overeat. I am managing as best I can without any assistance.
If I were to end this post on a positive note, I would write:
It’s time to take care of Me. I deserve love and loving attention. I need to set goals and start moving more quickly towards healing. I need to apply myself to rebuilding my optimism.
Truthfully, I’d rather just pull the covers over my head and eat some more chocolate, but I guess I could study some Torah. That always makes me feel better.
“I am ashamed that I got so sick.” is copyright © 2014 by 18mitzvot. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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