I hurt my neck this week, and even though I have a high tolerance for pain, it was becoming overwhelming. (I have had problems with my neck for decades due to a car accident.) I put heating pads on my shoulders. I took aspirins. I poured myself a glass of whiskey. I stretched. I did reiki. All of that only took the pain from a 7 out of 10 down to a 6. Too much. I thought about people who suffer chronic physical pain all the time and how difficult it must be to maintain their composure. I was more than a little cranky and I found myself being short-tempered and rude to cashiers and random peons in the various shops. My mom was embarrassed.
On the third day, I took Diazepam (Valium). It made a significant improvement. The pain broke and I could relax. There was one odd side effect, though. I started talking like a maniac, fast and agitated. I started telling my mother about the event the day before.
Mom, the coordinator gave instructions to a group of us and only I understood what we were supposed to do, then I envisioned various strategies to accomplish the task, ran thru the various potential outcomes, and arrived at the best solution to get the job done…
In the five seconds that it took me to do these calculations, still no-one else had understood the instructions! Why am I surrounded by such idiots? I mean, seriously, Mom, I am just so much smarter than other people. I want to have conversations with my peers. I want to join Mensa like my (biological father) and have snooty conversations about philosophy, art, and culture with people whom I don’t even like. I want to be recognized. I am so tired of pretending that rank makes stupid people smarter.”
Then I thought to myself, “Boy, I sound like a narcissist!” We went home, I took some more Diazepam, and had a nice nap.
I had a dream that I have had before. It’s the one where someone asks me how I am and I tell the truth. “Not so great.”, I say. Turns out they don’t care and don’t want to hear it. Then they remind me that if I want to get anywhere in life, the correct answer is, “I feel great!” Smiley face. kiss. kiss. Insincere people make me sick.