My husband would get angry with me and stop talking to me. I would start out with,
“What’s the matter, honey? You seem kind of quiet today?”
He would tell me that nothing was wrong.
By the third day of being shut-out from my husband, I would press him for answers.
“Listen, I’m not a dummy. I can see that you are upset about something. You’re not talking to me. Tell me what’s bothering you.”
Then he would EXPLODE. He would kick the walls, punch the doors, and throw stuff; all the while yelling about how abusive I was to waste money like I did. He was working so hard while I was wasting his hard-earned money.
The catalyst for the narcissist’s extreme and sudden outrage was that I had spent $3 to rent a movie when we had perfectly good movies at home that we could have watched for free. The narcissist was enraged because I spent $3. Therefore, he withdrew from me for days and I suffered loneliness and concern for him.
You may wonder what this marital exchange has to do with sex. Believe you me, it has A LOT to do with sex, and I am going to prove it now.
When my husband was visibly angry with me, sex was out of the question; and after he revealed that the cause was some insignificant misunderstanding, I was so furious and disgusted that I no longer wanted intimacy with him either. AND THAT WAS HIS PLAN. He wanted me to stop pressuring him for intimacy. He wanted a “Get-Out-Of-Sex-Free” card.
“But narcissists love sex?”, you may ask.
There are times when a narcissist may seem to love sex, when he can’t keep it in his pants, so to speak – but there are also times when a narcissist abhors sex and the emotional intimacy that it brings with it as an unavoidable satellite because the core cause of Narcissism is a lack of empathy.
: the feeling that you understand and share another person’s experiences and emotions : the ability to share someone else’s feelings
A narcissist does not getting warm, fuzzy feelings of emotional connection to his spouse through physical intimacy. For him, the physical intimacy is uncomfortable because it forces him to confront his lacks. My husband was intelligent and self-aware enough to realize that he should feel close to me when we were intimate; but he saw that he did not. He knew this was not normal and that he was broken somehow. Sex reminded him that he was deficient. Therefore, he was constantly initiating domestic disharmony so that I would pull away from him and stop looking for sex.
Physical intimacy made him feel ashamed and angry, so he used the silent treatment to avoid sex, even though he wanted it, too. My husband enjoyed the physical pleasure of an orgasm, but to him, orgasms have too many complicated, mental sufferings attached to them. He couldn’t cope. He eventually developed severe Erectile Dysfunction, which our fertility doctor stated had no physical source. It was all in his head. Ultimately, he did not have to give me the silent treatment anymore because his dick stopped working. (He could get hard but he couldn’t stay hard for even five minutes.)
Erectile Dysfunction, the ULTIMATE withholding of sex to avoid intimacy.
Conclusion: A Narcissist understands that it is normal to feel emotional closeness during sexual intimacy with one’s wife. However, he does not feel this attachment. He recognizes that he is fragmented and he feels ashamed. Therefore, he uses the silent treatment to alienate his wife, to cause domestic disharmony, and to avoid sex. Problem solved.
“Narcissism & Sex: Using the Silent Treatment.” is copyright © 2014 by 18mitzvot. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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