As far as No Contact with my narcissist goes, I had a setback a few weeks ago. If I had been paying attention to the Jewish calendar, I would have realized that the reason was Parshat Pinchas. That week is one of our “secret anniversaries of the heart”, a time of connection for David and myself. I have been trying to finish this post about it for three weeks. It’s just too hard for me to write this teaching concisely. The best I can do is release what I have and hope it’s correct.
Re: Parshat Pinchas, Rashi explains that a son is like his mother and a daughter like her father. He means that some personality traits can be inherited and that a daughter inherits from her father instead of her mother. He goes on to explain that the Israelites accused Pinchas of being cruel to Zimri because his ancestors were cruel to animals. They implied that he had inherited a foul character trait.
I had never read this teaching before, but it floored me. I have always been disturbed by one specific character trait of mine that I am ashamed of. Whenever I lose my temper (which is not often), I say things in anger that are truly cruel. I used to lay into my ex-husband, Driftwood, with a vicious tongue that was so cutting, I could easily see the comparison between harsh language and a sword. Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t feel sorry for him. He is still a worthless piece of shit, narcissist human being, and I hate him; but I wanted to be better than him. I hoped to maintain my dignity and not get sucked down into his toddler/narcissist/liar way of fighting. I would just lose it so quickly with him. Our marriage did not start out that way; he wore me down after years of abuse. Even now, ten years later, I wish I could beat him senseless instead of just yelling back.
As far as being cruel goes, I did not inherit that trait from my mother. She has her moments, but I think she may have learned to cope by taking verbal jabs. I don’t really know. But it is my goal, as a Jewish woman, to have the “Torah of chesed on my lips” (to speak loving and kind words)… to everyone… all the time. This is no easy feat. I guess other people do it naturally, sigh, but I am “disabled” when it comes to the words that pop out of mouth. When I am angry, my lips behave independently from my brain. Honestly, what is wrong with me?
According to Rashi, I inherited a cruel nature from my biological father. Well, that makes perfect sense. Rashi doesn’t let me off the hook, though. I am still 100% responsible if I hurt someone’s feelings with my words. He says to purify myself by studying Torah.
I also have a goal of learning Anger Management & Conflict Resolution. It’s on the list…
“Cruelty & Parshat Pinchas.” is copyright © 2014 by 18mitzvot. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
When Pinchas killed Zimri and Kosbi, a tremendous controversy erupted among the people as to whether his actions were correct or murderous. This week’s sedra begins with G-d “testifying” to the correctness of what Pinchas did. First, because of what Pinchas did, the plague that had broken out, stopped. Second, the Torah repeatedly identifies Pinchas as the grandson of Aharon HaKohen.
Third, G-d places His stamp of approval upon Pinchas by giving him “the covenant of the eternal kehuna” and the “covenant of peace”.
The Midrash says that 80 kohanim in the first Beit HaMikdash and 300 in the second Beit HaMikdash descended from Pinchas.
|The Lord spoke to Moses, saying:||י. וַיְדַבֵּר יְהֹוָה אֶל משֶׁה לֵּאמֹר:|
|11. Phinehas the son of Eleazar the son of Aaron the kohen has turned My anger away from the children of Israel by his zealously avenging Me among them, so that I did not destroy the children of Israel because of My zeal.||יא. פִּינְחָס בֶּן אֶלְעָזָר בֶּן אַהֲרֹן הַכֹּהֵן הֵשִׁיב אֶת חֲמָתִי מֵעַל בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל בְּקַנְאוֹ אֶת קִנְאָתִי בְּתוֹכָם וְלֹא כִלִּיתִי אֶת בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל בְּקִנְאָתִי:|
|Phinehas the son of Eleazar the son of Aaron the kohen: Since the tribes were disparaging him, saying, Have you seen the son of Puti, whose mother’s father [Jethro] fattened (פִּטֵּם) calves for idols (See Rashi, Exod. 6:25), and who killed a chieftain of an Israelite tribe? For this reason, Scripture traces his pedigree to Aaron. — [Sanh. 82b, Num. Rabbah 21:3, Mid. Tanchuma Pinchas 2]||פינחס בן אלעזר בן אהרן הכהן: לפי שהיו השבטים מבזים אותו, הראיתם בן פוטי זה שפיטם אבי אמו עגלים לעבודה זרה והרג נשיא שבט מישראל, לפיכך בא הכתוב ויחסו אחר אהרן:|
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