Based on an analysis of what I have been blogging about, I am recovering from the narcissist.
My posts about Anger increased from 1 to 15 and my posts about Fear decreased from 13 to 6.
This tells me that I have released the incapacitating need to be with the narcissist despite the abuse. When I first began No Contact, all I cared about was staying connected to him. I did not care about myself, my physical or emotional health, my peace of mind or even my happiness. I had obsessive thoughts all day about the narcissist who had discarded me like a bag of kitchen scraps. I wanted to be with him.
Now that my Fear of losing him has lessened, I have started the true grieving process: Bargaining, Anger, Denial, Depression, Acceptance. Therefore, I am writing more posts about Anger. Many more posts about Anger (:
(Anger is a healthy and necessary part of healing from grief.)
The number of posts I wrote about my Grief are fairly constant. I hurt just as much today as I did four months ago, but the reasons are different. I miss David so much and not an hour goes by that I don’t long for him; but now I realize that I was in love with a mask that he put on just for me, and that I probably don’t even know the real David. (Argument: the Israel David is the real David, the way he could be under the best possible circumstances) In any case, I have come to understand that David was and is a complex human being. He is more than his illness of NPD and yet, completely unable to engage in a healthy, adult relationship (like marriage). It’s better for me to stop pretending that he might wake up from his delusions and love me the way I love him, warts and all.
To this end, my posts that were “Memories of David” dropped from 25% of all of my writings to a more reasonable 6%. I am okay with having memories of David take up living quarters in 6% of my brain because I still don’t want to let him go forever. I need more time to grieve.
So, all in all, I am healing from my encounter with the narcissist. My next stage involves learning more about my role in this disastrous love relationship, as I research codependency, empathy, and dysfunctional families; for a start.
Please join me for the ride.
“My Progress Report. August 2014.” is copyright © 2014 by 18mitzvot. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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