In many posts, I have written that my narcissist, David, is my soulmate, my Twin Flame, my zivug. I believe he is. I believe I am. In naked truthfulness, I maintain that God made us for each other.
However, God gifted human beings with a measure of free will and David used his to reject me. He has the right (and the ability) to do this. Every human being has the God-given right to make incredibly stupid choices that cause us to suffer. I can’t stop him from doing the wrong thing. I have to accept that he doesn’t want me. He dumped me and he’s not coming back. My David chose to sever our bonds and I no longer see value in fighting him. I am finally beginning to understand that he is never going to “come around” – because David is a narcissist. He wouldn’t know unconditional love if it bit him in the ass, and he isn’t going to suddenly appreciate my affections for him. He isn’t going to suddenly want me.
But I feel something different from that, something more important. I think I accept that he could never love me, and by love, I mean action or behavior. My David is a narcissist. His priorities will always be shallow and always be all about him. If I needed to go to the doctor’s office, would he take me? Would he wait with me, hold my hand, and try to calm me – or would he say that he doesn’t like doctor’s offices and refuse to accompany me? If I were frightened, would he tell me “Everything is gonna be okay.” – or would he say, “Suck it up, Rivka. Don’t be such a baby.”? If I wanted to show him the blouses I bought at the mall, would he pay attention to me long enough for me to feel heard – or would he say he doesn’t care what I wasted money on? If I had to go to a family bar-b-que, would he suffer through it at my side – or would he bail? If I won an award at work, would he celebrate with me or would he feel jealous? Narcissists suck. Excuse me, but they are just so selfish.
I feel confident that if I ran into David in the supermarket, I wouldn’t feel anything intense. I can control my passionate feelings better now, because I am beginning to think about my own needs. I am beginning to set boundaries. Before I started No Contact, I read* that, as a result of recovery from narcissistic abuse, I would begin to set boundaries about who was deserving of my affections; but I didn’t believe it would happen to me. (In the book “Psychopath Free” by Peace) Yet because of No Contact, boundaries are happening to me. I am beginning to change the way I think and feel. If the narcissist offered to take me back, I don’t think I’d do it. I wouldn’t run away screaming in terror, but at best, I would maintain a frigid cordiality. He wouldn’t get in my heart again, that’s for sure.
The truest test of recovery would be: am I willing to start dating again? Hell no!
Should I start dating again? Probably not. I seem to have many of the character attributes of a co-dependent person who engages in unhealthy and unbalanced relationships.
When I do fall in love again, I know I will regret all the years I wasted by pining for men who were unworthy of my affections, all the years I wasted by refusing to move forward in life. All that unrequited love sucked lifeblood out of my spiritual body. It is a good thing I replenish my own spiritual blood supply. I am recovering from the narcissist, but I feel a little dead inside.
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