Night before last, my mom said something really nasty to me. It stewed in my mind until I felt panicky. Of course I couldn’t sleep or relax, so I ate one of her Valiums. Would you believe that the very next day I got called for a job interview at a pharmacy? Pharmacies do the strictest pre-employment drug tests and I just ate drugs. Grr. I researched drug tests on the internet and all that information is available to the public! God bless America. Valium reads for only 10 days. That’s going to be a tight squeeze, but I only took one dose. I am drinking goldenseal water and peeing profusely. I needed to drink more water anyway. I probably should feel embarrassed but I don’t. I don’t care if I get this job or not. I… just… don’t… care…
Before this whole narcissistic mess, I had a remarkable zest for life. I liked adventure and I believed that anything was possible if I applied myself. That was me before narcissistic abuse. Today that woman visits me sometimes, but she doesn’t stay long. I feel really tired. I wonder if the narcissists feel similar to the way I am feeling? All the articles I read say they feel bored and jaded, and spend each day forcing themselves to fake their way through whatever is required of them. I plow through my day, doing what I have to do but not enjoying it. That’s the definition of depression, right? I wonder how what I do is different from what they do?
Let me speculate on my own question. I am having a sad week, brought on by unkind remarks from someone I want love from. Next week will undoubtedly be some completely different drama, but equally transient. I observed that my narcissist ex lived in his black cloud of grumpy uninterrupted. His stormy mood never broke for more than a moment. Speaking of grumpy… Who doesn’t love Grumpy Cat? LOL. He always cheers me up. Grumpy Cat, i wuv you.
hahaha. shitting rainbows.
Drug test info: http://www.mayomedicallaboratories.com/articles/drug-book/viewall.html