Today I was watching one of the greatest battle sequences ever filmed, Minas Tirith, and I saw that the battle was so chaotic that only each individual warrior actually knew the truth about hard he fought and how many adversaries he faced. I imagined how the warriors would gather in the great hall after the battle, each one telling his story from his pov, but all together they would weave the tales that would be passed down from generation to generation.
I think this is true about war with a narcissist, as well. Only I know what I had to endure and how hard I fought to come out alive. Also, the narcissist has his pov of who did what during battle. No outsider has a clue what we each went through during the chaos of battle, and no outsider has the right to critique us. In the USA, we call this being an armchair quarterback, someone who doesn’t get dirty in the game but likes to analyze the plays after the fact. Being an armchair quarterback is a revered national pastime in America.
Recently, I turned to a clergyman (a rabbi) for advice about my continued unemployment. Since I believe the Torah, which says that all of my income comes from God, lack of income needs to be addressed from a spiritual viewpoint. The rabbi answered me by saying that I am a sex and love addict. He wrote, “As soon as you find a meeting of other recovering sex and love addicts and begin taking the Steps they suggest, money will come, sanity and love will come.” I am deeply disappointed. To call me a sex addict is stupidity. As for a love addict, I don’t know what that is. If I judge only by the name, I guess I could be a love addict – but I suspect that ‘love addict’ is a puffed-up term that means ‘lonely person’. I am irritated because I asked a money question and he gave a sex answer. I told him that I didn’t feel heard and he responded that he didn’t feel heard either. He said he would answer some of my questions if I attend 10 Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) meetings. I am willing to listen to his advice, if only because he is older than me. I know that many people use 12-step meetings to make hook-ups. Maybe if I go to SLAA meetings, I will meet some loving ladies and become friends? I don’t know anyone in town, so why not?
The thing that pisses me off is I think that he is blaming the victim. Of course I had character deficiencies before I met the narcissist. Everyone has character deficiencies. NPS actively target (or choose) victims, not because we are deficient, but because we are loving. The more compassionate, caring, and giving you are, the more the narcissist goes after you. Imo, that is the #1 reason that we targets do not change our natures after narcissistic abuse. We learn to set boundaries about who is allowed into our worlds but we don’t stop being loving. That’s one of the reasons No Contact becomes necessary – because we caring people don’t stop being caring. Therefore, we would continue to be a target forever if we allowed those life-sucking narcissists in our circles.
Another comment that I am pissed off about is the rabbi dissed blogging. He said he knew I wasn’t serious about recovering because I thought blogging would help me. I have had so many epiphanies from blogging and also from reading other people’s blogs on WordPress. Am I missing something? Doesn’t every self-help book recommend journaling? Blogging is journaling that is public, albeit semi-anonymous. I think he’s wrong.
Lastly he wrote that I could never get cured from my love addiction, but I could recover and live with “much less pain” than I am doing now if I start going to 12-step meetings. Again, I disagree. I have written before that Hashem can heal in an instant. God can heal in an instant. The Talmud says that no-one has the right to tell you an illness is incurable. No-one. He was wrong to say that to me.
Now I am going to BLOG about my experiences with 12-step programs.
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