The other day, I blogged about a moment of weakness, a moment when I was pining for my abuser, the narcissist (*David). That post is titled “Backsliding.” While I was writing the post, I started feeling extremely guilty. I thought about how people would judge me and how I would judge myself for even thinking about returning to a lover who tried to kill me. Because of the guilt, I almost didn’t publish my writing; but I made a commitment to myself to document my recovery from narcissistic abuse and suicide, so I added a disclaimer to the end of the post, that I was only trying not to repress my feelings and that I was sure my wishes to return to David were fleeting.
What happened next was totally unexpected.
Fellow bloggers shared their take on my struggle and offered me encouragement (which is so awesome). One blogger, iwontdiet, made a wise comment that quickly started opening windows in my mind. I had sort of a vision of watching a red carpet being unrolled in a flower-filled prairie: this leads to this, which leads to this, which leads to this. Then there was a brand new idea that I may never have arrived at on my own.
I like to date men who are “fixer-uppers”. I can see (psychically) that they have so much potential for greatness, but on the visible surface, maybe they look like failures or “losers”. I know that I can do what no-one else has been able to do: heal that man and turn his life around so that he becomes capable of manifesting his potential greatness. I usually heal the man sexually. It is a deeply spiritual exchange of energy that is drawn from a higher, non-physical plane to our world – by me. This is empirical. I have done it successfully. I can do it successfully. I will always be able to do it successfully. Broken men can be healed via loving sex. Men who are incapable of healthy relationships change due to loving sex. They become capable of a symbiotic relationship, where husband and wife benefit from each other.
One of the shitty parts of this dating system of mine is that after I fix the broken guy, I leave him and some other woman reaps all the fruits of my work. It feels good to me to see the former loser, incompetent, immature man in a loving relationship or at least on the road to recovery, but what about me? Why do I move from loser to loser?
Of course, there are probably some really complicated answers to that question – which brings us back to the narcissist. As you all know from your own experiences, when you first get involved with a narcissist, you will be told a lot of “poor me stories”. For example: my ex-wife was crazy, she cheated on me, the courts took my children away from me and I am so sad, my parents didn’t love me, my parents beat me, I lost my job because of a conspiracy, I can no longer work because I am disabled, I am going to die soon from a horrible illness… Did I miss any? Plus, it is a documented truth that narcissists can’t persevere the way we do and often do not have any measurable success in life. They do not “finish first”, ending up with happy families, successful careers, and circles of friends. For someone like me who is attracted to a “fixer-upper” guy, the narcissist is an ideal mate. He has off-the-charts potential and he cannot manifest it because he is emotionally damaged. And the sex with a psychopath is so HOT! (You can research about that on your own.) It’s a match made in the depths of sickness.
So iwontdiet wrote to me,
“…What is your pay-off in the relationship with the narcissist? What is the thing you were getting with him, and therefore, you did not have to make happen by yourself? … it looks like for you it is the fulfilling feeling in life. I am ready to bet your David was not feeling fulfillment either. At one point it was not the narcissist I needed, it was his shadow so I could hide and have a perfect excuse not to look at my own issues. When I realized that, the need for the narcissist greatly decreased and I became more peaceful within. Would there be ways for you to inquire within and make your life more fulfilling?”
Here is the moment the red carpet started to unroll.
Why do I choose to love “fixer-upper” men? Because it feels better to work on them than to work on myself.
Why don’t I want to work on myself? Because I don’t think I deserve attention.
Why do I feel that I don’t deserve attention? Because I am unworthy.
Why do I feel unworthy? That comes 100% from my parents.
I chose David because he needed help and by helping him, I could pour all my loving energies into his life instead of my own. I was hiding in his shadow. I answered iwontdiet, “C, you are completely correct. My NP was completely unfulfilled. He had a lot of genius ideas that he was unable to take to fruition. Many people called him a loser because of his lack of follow through, but his ideas were brilliant. So you are saying that I partnered with an unfulfilled person so I could hide in his shadow and put all the focus on him. You are right!
I never thought of that before.”
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