Today I want to go back to Toronto, Canada so I can be near the narcissist. I’m supposed to call him “the narcissist” for my own healing and self protection, but really his name is *David.
I feel unfulfilled, okay? It’s not so much that I miss him. I have spent the last six months becoming a semi-expert on narcissism. I understand that he is a significantly damaged human being, and that maintaining No Contact is the only way to keep him from hurting me further. I also understand that the man I am in love with is a fantasy, a false mask that he wore to seduce me, and that person doesn’t actually exist. So it’s not for David that I want to return.
I miss myself. I miss the woman that I was when I was around him. I miss the way I felt when I was in love all the time. I miss the joyful excitement. More than anything else I miss the potential.
When he was grooming me and telling me lies to build my self-confidence, telling me how great I am and how awesome I could be, I felt like I could do anything. I knew something really great was coming. I was going to be a part of something big and change the world. I was gonna ‘grab the bull by the horns’ and realize my dreams. And the first dream to be fulfilled would be having a loving husband. The two of us in unison would conquer the world, truly make it a better place, a home for miracles.
I believed… I always hoped… my secret dream was… that the two of us would start a school together (a yeshiva, a school for Jewish learning). We would teach and learn together. So many great things we could have done if only we were partners. We didn’t even have to be husband and wife, we could have been just business partners. (Of course, I did hope he would marry me.) The point is I had plans for greatness. I had dreams and they were outrageous.
I’m upset that I didn’t get to finish.
Also, Toronto is the last place that I had a proper Shabbat. I was living alone, and did not have to accommodate anyone else’s wants. No compromise. I could celebrate my religion and my faith exactly how I wanted. And that was loud! I sang. I partied. All by myself. Me, my books, and the Shechina. I just don’t feel that happy anymore. Even if I had the freedom to celebrate the way I want to, I’m not emotionally capable of doing it right now – and I miss that.
I feel a pull towards David because the strong feelings I had for him made me want to strive for things. I had dreams and plans. I was ambitious. I was better when I was with him.
But he discarded me so quickly. The grooming and Idealization, the compliments and the encouragement, the gifts and the friendship, all of it was over so quickly – and then the tug-o-war began. I was fighting to get it back and he had already erased me. God, that sucked.
I just miss it, okay? I’m sorry. I’m weak. I’m a dreamer.
But we were beautiful together…
P.S. (Nobody hang me by my thumbs. I’m just expressing a moment. Feeling my feelings and releasing them. It happens.)
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