I thought of something that I should thank the narcissist for. My narcissist. David. My lover and my destroyer. The first few months of dating a narcissist are called the Idealization Phase. They use that time to get you emotionally attached to them so they can feed from you later. (Sounds like a scary science fiction plot, doesn’t it?) During this grooming phase, the narcissist showers the target with affection and gifts. Victims say that they never felt so loved before. Sadly, it doesn’t end well.
I had an epiphany today as I was reading one of my recent posts:
As an empath (loving, caring person)(HSP), I will usually give of myself until I crack. This is not a healthy behavior and probably shows a lack of self-love; but in a relationship with a normal person (i.e. not a narcissist), the other partner usually will step in to protect me from giving too much. If I am worrying too much about a situation that I can’t fix, my partner will take me to the zoo for the day. Any outing that distracts me is helpful. If I am giving too much money to a needy friend, my partner will protect me by telling me when to stop. If I am spending too much time on the phone, listening to someone whine while they take no steps to better their situation, my partner will hang up the phone for me. If I overextend myself at work, my partner will pour me a glass of wine and rub my shoulders.I didn’t get any of this loving treatment from the narcissist.
I realized that I did get ALL of this from David… but only for one month… until the Idealization Phase was over. Then he became progressively nastier and more verbally abusive and insulting to me. One time, he even posted on Facebook that I have saggy cow tits. He certainly didn’t dislike them when we were in bed together. Asswipe.
So what do I have to thank the narcissist for? He helped me to verbalize my ideal mate. I actually wrote down clearly some of the key qualities that I desire in my mate/husband/lover, and now I know what to look for. The narcissist did that! He modeled for me how a loving husband would behave and now I know. I truly and honestly can express the qualities that are precious to me:
– my husband will lovingly watch over me so that I don’t spread myself too thin.
– my husband will have fun with me and take me on outings.
– my husband will lovingly help me to manage my money.
– my husband will share me with others, but save the best of me for himself.
– my husband will lovingly watch over my physical well-being, too.
– and the #1 quality of my ideal husband: he will pay attention to me when I am not paying attention to myself!
That is the man of my dreams. And you know what? That list is not extravagant or unreasonable. I could actually find that guy! Thank you, David, who I loved so much. You showed me truth one more time.
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