How will I survive this?
How long will it hurt, God?
How long will it hurt?
Kenneth C. Haugk
Probably all the books about Grief say to indulge it. Do not resist grieving. It seems overwhelming and scary to let your emotions out of the tightly sealed box in your heart. Survivors ask questions like: if I start crying, will I ever be able to stop? if I express my anger, will I lash out at my loved ones? if I start moping and feeling sorry for myself, will I be criticized?
Most grief books give this cryptic advice: “Let your feelings flow. Let them wash over you and then release them.” What the hell does that mean? I don’t understand.
Last night, I was feeling really angry. My mother had said some nasty remarks to me. It was unjust and unkind, and I didn’t have any way to deal with my feelings. So I did my usual, which is distract myself with television or noise, but I still felt angry once the stupid movie was over. So I started writing. I made a blog post for that moment. I was angry. I was feeling unsupported. I wanted to indulge in self-pity – all things that good girls don’t talk about, right? “But what about me? I have needs, too.”
Blogging about my anger really helped me. Of course, if a new reader clicks on that post first, they will get a completely unbalanced picture of who I really am. After all, the moment was a moment. But it helped me to express my inner turmoil instead of trying to pretend it’s not there. Plus I had some good insights while I was writing. By letting myself express the anger, I was able to clearly state its’ roots. That will be good for me, too. All in all, I like the advice to let my feelings flow uninhibited (in a controlled environment)… but it’s still scary.