I say monologue because a narcissist does not have conversations. When you think they are listening to you, they are actually waiting for their chance to speak. When you think they are speaking to you, they are actually speaking at you. When you think they are praising you, they are actually praising themselves. It’s projection. When you think they are criticizing you, they are actually criticizing themselves. It’s still projection. No matter how long you “talk”, it will always be about them. Eventually you realize that you are superfluous and then you give up.
Here is a beautiful example, an email that I received from a former roommate. Not that long ago, this email would have hurt my feelings; but now I see it for what it is… a narcissist’s lies. Next time, I will learn to skip the goodbye letter entirely. Narcissists do not care. Study and learn. Her narcissistic behaviors are dissected in red.
Dear XYZ, everything you said to get me to come to Dallas was so beautiful. We would be sisters. (You knew I was missing my family.) We would learn Torah together. (You knew I was missing my learning.) We would move into the erev together. (You knew I was missing Israel.) But as soon as you got some money from me, you evicted me. Where did you think I was going to go in Dallas?
There never was a hotel or a hotel job. I lied to protect you. I put my belongings in storage and I moved into the homeless shelter. And that’s where I’ve been for the last 28 nights.
But I finally decided that I had better tell my family what you did to me. God forbid I should get murdered in the shelter and no-one knows where I am.
As soon as I told my mom that I have been staying in a shelter, she insisted on taking me in. I leave for Florida on Thursday.
I’m really sorry that you turned out to be such a selfish woman. I never saw it coming. I don’t want you to apologize to me. I want to apologize to Hashem for what you do and how you behave.
I realize that you can’t understand what I’m saying. If you wouldn’t hear it from your own daughter, why would you hear it from me? But I had an obligation to tell you that you sent me to a homeless shelter. The worst part is that I was happier there than with you. You were very mean to me. Every day. You hurt me.
I pray that you get well someday and become the woman you could be. Good-bye, XYZ.
Rivka ,you are so right, I have not shown love and hope you can understand that I was thrown back to a world that is full of sin and evil < USA,
At first, I thought the narcissist was going to be reasonable and admit that she did something immoral.
to not have my spiritual Israel where I knew who I was,here I was let down by my Jews< whom I thought would be as I lived with ,in Safed<
Alas, she is a victim of the world. The narcissist is never responsible for their behaviors.
My daughters all seem to feel I changed when they were in their teen years which as you should know was not my sins,but theirs in what they did<I was always their Mother who have never wanted evil for themthis I will not let them stain<
She tries to connect an evil she committed in 2014 with a random incident that happened over 20 years ago. This is called 'Word Salad'.
Word Salad leaves you thinking, "What just happened?"
For them to leave me sit alone in my apt because of $800. left me die
She was trying to pry money out of her children because she felt entitled. It’s all about her.
(I had a huge breakdown,) which you should know of my back and life seemed like it stopped<
Narcissist says, "Poor me" , when I was the one in the homeless shelter.
I would have never put u there in shelter ,I told you this ,so stop, I did not put you out<
Narcissists lie to make themselves look better.
You said ,you had a job to go too? I had hoped you find work so we wouldn;t be in each others face< and you couldn;t have stayed anyway?It was 6 weeks
Excuses for why it was really for my benefit.
< I have felt so good alone now, my back went out again,and I am aged,69 soon.
"Poor me, poor me.", says the narcissist. It's all about her.
HaShem is healing me daily, I am reading my prayers again,went to temple last shabbos. and know we both will heal! I am suppose to ask you to forgive me as well as I have ask daily Hashem to bless you ,so you may return to The Land<if you chose to hold this in your heart it will not heal as fast< I hope that when you go to your mom's where you should have gone sooner, that you do all you can to show her love<we do what we can when raising up daughters< I will have car fixed and have funds from a guy,who is giving it to me,with no attachments<in July
I have a new target to take money from.
< I am in awe that Hashem has heard my cries, He is just we are not, we try and make huge mistakes, man can not love his own,yet a stranger,,,,you and I never hit it off like I thought we would? You say you are a happy person, yet I never saw a happy face,an aged women for so young.
Now she tries to devalue me. I look old. I seemed so unhappy. Why can't we all be more like her?
You lied to me about stamps for food-stamps which, if I did not cook the food you ate canned? there is so much I could say,but won't< I feel Hashem makes a women a women and hope you find your spot in this life
I'm sure this would make me feel worthless, if it weren't just nonsense and ramblings.
<I will never talk about what I feel or you felt to anyone as we both have our issues
RED FLAG. NARCISSIST DOES NOT WANT ME TO INTERFERE WITH HER OTHER TARGETS BECAUSE THEY MAY STOP GIVING HER MONEY.
I wonder why, and when will you grow to move on to higher grounds< I would have found a job at your age ,I could work circles around you
Nasty devalues. You are lazy. You are a moocher. The key here is to learn that the narcissist is actually projecting. She has just revealed all her fears to me, veiled as insults.
Please,I hope to hear that you are going back to land soon with smicha and enough funds to live in<
Maybe I will think she is a sweet person if she blesses me?
I have asked Hashem for 15 years like Hezekiah,and I have suffered for my sins as you, yours< It is a daily struggle to find shalom< I am still lighting candles with Safed got a radio today, someone gave mebecause that is my-food that allows me to be a better women of faith <I won;t give up just fell into a pit and now looking out into the light again to <Torah
Narcissist is happy again. All criticism rolls off her back. She retains no learning whatsoever. She believes it’s all about her.
In conclusion, a narcissist does not care about justice. Whatever satisfies them is justice to them. They use even their own children as supply. They feel entitled.
They need to feel important and beyond reproach. They feel superior. “If everyone were like me, the world would be a better place.”
They have hidden feelings of deficiency. They always project their own faults onto whomever they are speaking with.
They devalue, which means that they tell you that you are worthless or ugly or lazy or whatever words will cause you emotional pain. The root definition of Narcissism is to lack empathy, to be unable to imagine how one’s actions or words would make someone else feel. They cannot put themselves in your shoes and behave accordingly.
Everything is all about them, and when you are done talking, you feel exhausted and you realize that it was just a monologue.
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