The point at which I clearly should have started No Contact was when the Narcissist started No Contact. After he decided that I no longer existed, then I no longer existed.
Had I been much younger, perhaps I would have driven past his apartment a few times a day or ‘bumped into him’ in the grocery store; but I am 47 years old and I did not do these things. In fact, I even avoided his subway line completely. I used to fantasize hourly about meeting him on the subway, that the doors would open and there he would be. I wanted so much to see his face again even if he ignored me.
While I avoided his neighborhood, I was completely incapable of No Contact. My Narcissist actually provided the solution. He gave over to me one of his email boxes. I wrote as many emails to him as I wanted, sometimes three a day. He did not block me and my emails were not denied; but he did not read them either. He simply stopped using the box and accepted that I was going to flood it with letters. (After he called the police on me for harrassment, of course.) Because he gave me that box, I chose not to use his other emails – unless I had an emergency. Without that outlet for my pain, God forbid, I would still be knocking on his windowpanes.
I wrote emails to that dead postal box for 3 to 5 months before I was forced to leave Canada because my tourist visa had expired. Leaving Toronto was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I felt like I was abandoning him.
Once I got a certain physical distance away, I righted like a toy boat in the bathtub. Only then was I able to start actual No Contact. That was about 80 days ago.
But then I started this blog, Letters-to-David. While it’s not technically contact, it is still about the narcissist and my relationship with the narcissist. However, I deserve the chance to grieve. I have the right to grieve and the responsibility to feel those uncomfortable feelings, instead of repressing them. I had to lie to a few dear friends about my blogging because they felt I should not be allowed to think about him ever again. They don’t understand and their attitude is harsh – so I told them what they wanted to hear and took care of my needs for myself. I know they meant well, but they are wrong.
So what has been my greatest helper so far? The physical distance. Getting on a plane and leaving Toronto made it possible for me to start No Contact, and No Contact made it possible to start rebuilding my self-esteem. Rebuilding my self-esteem made it possible for me to laugh again, and laughing again made it possible for me to stop trying to kill myself.
Again, that’s moving away leads to No Contact…
leads to restored self-esteem…
leads to joy in life, expressed as laughter and happy thoughts.
Now contrast that description with how you feel/felt when you were chasing the narcissist and tell yourself to go No Contact.
NC really does help.
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