1. Insanity. Maybe I am sick like my Narcissist? Maybe I am co-dependent? Or have low self-esteem? Or am damaged? In many ways, I have most definitely been damaged by my Narcissist. I am not the woman I used to be. He broke my vessel. I am exploring this avenue and all of its implications.
2. Kelipot. (Shells)
Picture a walnut. The disease is the hard shell. David is the soft fruit hidden inside.
I believe that if he breaks open his shell of Narcissism, he can defeat this disease. I have faith in him.
3. Zivugim. (Twin Flames) My reality is that when I get within a certain number of kilometers of David, my soul is ignited. I get like a bi-polar person. I have constant, creative mania. I comprehend things. I devour books. I learn like a freakin genius. It’s wild! But I also feel The Longing. I have cravings for him, consuming thoughts about touching him, visions of our past and future lives together. None of this is dependent on outside forces – except distance. He does not have to see me. He does not have to contact me. One of the reasons that David’s PTSD went off and deluded him into labelling me a stalker, was that I almost always knew where he was. And frequently, I knew who he was with and what he was doing. He thought I was following him and/or spying on him; but I swear, I never left my apartment. He is my zivug. It’s like we share a brain. I assure you, I was not happy to psychically feel him having sex with his other targets. I would have shut him out if I could have. It’s not my fault that I always knew where he was. I never followed him. I don’t have to. But this super-real connection makes it difficult for me to move on. No matter how much progress I make, it will instantaneously evaporate if I get within a certain number of kilometers of his person. How many kilometers? I’m not telling! But I will say I miss the mania. I miss being ignited… but I don’t miss the Hunger…