Disclaimer: please do not read this post if you are under age 18 or if you might be triggered by a description of self-mutilation.
I was feeling very calm when I decided to commit suicide. My rational mind was in control, mentally organizing my to-do list. I would have to clean the apartment, to dispose of any items which might embarrass my family. The first order of business was to do a thorough walk-thru of the apartment, to search all my belongings, and to separate items that needed to go into the trash. For example, my vibrators and dildos (Every woman has them.), my collection of bondage porn (Wouldn’t that be hard to explain?), an old book about Tarot spreads (not an item a good Jewish girl should still have), an old photograph of a rabbi who used to counsel me (What evil rumors would people create?), my kitchen scraps (don’t want to attract fruit flies). I made the apartment clean and pretty.
Next I tried to write fake suicide notes. Why fake? So no-one would feel guilty and blame themselves for my suicide. I was renting the apartment from a nice Chabad couple and I knew it would be extremely traumatic for them to find my dead body in their apartment; but I no longer had other options (reference coyotes). I tried several different ways to write notes thanking them for their hospitality and then apologizing for committing suicide in their place. None of the notes came out right, so I crumpled all of them. In the end, I settled on just one fake suicide note, short and sweet, and a complete lie in that it was not the reason I was doing this.
I never should have left Israel. I miss her too much. – Rivka
Masterful. No-one would doubt that suicide note. I should teach you about The Descent. When a person visits Israel, the Holy Land, for a month or so, it’s an awesome experience. But, when a person moves to Israel, to live permanently, something else happens. The kiddusha of the Land, the actually holiness of the Land, permeates their body, their physical body, and it changes them. This is called an Aliyah, which means ‘being lifted up’. Aliyah is also used to describe ‘climbing a staircase’ or raising something over your head, lifting, raising, climbing… Consequently, when a person leaves Israel, they experience a Descent. In five words or less, they lose their mind. It happened to David, and now it was happening to me.
Descent, Yereeda ירידה
To be continued…
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