Two days ago, I gave a brilliant lecture to the Xtian lady who was trying to convert me to accept so-and-so as ‘my personal savior’. I scolded her thusly:
No-one comes between me and God-the-Father, not a priest, not a pastor, not a rabbi, not a person, no-one. I pray directly to Hashem Himself, and I do not require an intermediary.
But it’s not true.
I am an idolatrice. I love my zivug more than I love Hashem. I want to serve Hashem by serving my husband. I want to serve Hashem by serving the Tzaddik.
But David wanted me to become a Tzeddekes, a female tzaddik. He and Hashem were on the same page. Both of them were telling me to look to Hashem directly.
Since I left Israel to be with David, every door has been shut to me. I have lost count of how many jobs were denied to me after a miraculous circumstance. I don’t even have a home right now. Only the love of my mother sustains me. Hashem gives me food, shelter, and clothing through her generosity. Although I lack no wants for my physical well-being, Hashem is definitely angry with me. His Countenance is turned away. I confess almost every day, but my heart has not changed. I am sinning while I am praying.
Remember the prayer I made as I was eating the traife? This is it all over again. “Please forgive me, Abba. chomp, chomp. I am hungry and I don’t know what else to do. chomp. I wanna go home…” How can I expect Hashem to turn His Panecha to me if I am still committing the sin?
I really don’t know what to do. I love David more than I love Hashem. I love the creation more than I love the Creator. I am an idolater. I may as well worship the stars.
Hashem – God.
Tzaddik – a Torah sage who was holy in their lifetime and frequently became known for performing miraculous healings.
Panecha – God’s Countenance. As in ‘May God turns his Face to you’.
Zivug – a holy coupling (David to me)