I told myself that when I had X number of followers, I would start blogging about my suicide. Well, I have 142% of that goal and I still don’t want to do it.
My beloved David is still a physical threat to me. His Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder has convinced him that I was trying to kill him in Toronto. It’s not rational. It’s not reasonable. It’s crazy. But that’s life with PTSD. At some point, I crossed some imaginary personal boundary in his distorted mind and his illnesses convinced him that I was trying to kill him. Not spiritually or anything touchy-feeling. He actually believes that I would knife him, slit his belly open, and gut him like a fish. He said that the Torah commands him, “When a man is coming to kill you, you must kill him first.” Therefore, David was trying, is trying, and would be trying to kill me. I should mention that I am perfectly safe in Dallas, hundreds of miles away from him. Safe, but deeply saddened.
I wasn’t safe while I was still in Canada with him. It’s a difficult thing to explain ‘Crazy’ to people. What do you mean he was trying to kill you? I mean I locked myself in the house and slept with a can of mace in my hand because he said that as soon as he could get released from the mental hospital, he was coming to burn my eyes out with a butane lighter. Why would he do that? Umm, he was crazy. But why did he believe so vehemently that you were a threat to him? Because when he broke up with me, I refused to move out of the country. That doesn’t make any sense. No, it’s crazy. He had a nervous breakdown. Last year, he did four 30-day lockdowns in the mental hospital. That’s 120 days in the psyche ward prison.
The man I love wants to kill me.
He has been officially diagnosed/tagged/labeled by the psychiatrists in the mental hospital as having: PTSD, multiple personality disorder, and Narcissism. Quite a nasty combination. You see, when the Narcissist was done with me, he discarded me. We didn’t argue or break-up or anything. He just stopped answering the phone. Not realizing that we had broken up, I went to his apartment to see him, and he put his hands on my throat. Needless to say, I was very confused. Sane people react to their environment, but PTSD sufferers react to delusions that are created by their own mind. David thought I went to his apartment to kill him. Again, it’s very difficult to explain ‘Crazy’.
I never had a chance to escape that relationship unharmed.
I simply never had a chance… and I didn’t see it coming.
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